i feel like crap...

in case u didn't get it from the title, this won't be a happy, up-lifting little ditty, so stop reading now if u want, cuz it's bitch-session time!

Welcome to my pity-party!

Let me preface this, if we have had recent dealings... this is not directed at you! so don't start WW3 by taking this personally... if you do take it personally, them maybe you should! I don't care.

You would think that after 40 years I would learn: nobody really cares about you as much as they say, pretend, or would genuinely like to! I feel like I care about others much more than they do about me. I'm sure you feel the same way! It's part of the human condition. And God cares for me... blah, blah, blah. I know I shouldn't be flippant about something so important, but sometimes I feel like that's saying a parent loves their child... duh! Unless they are totally broken-down, sorry excuses for human losers, don't they all? It's like in high school when u think everybody hates you, and your mom assures you that she still loves you. It's important, but it really doesn't make you feel ANY better. Right?

Nana just got out of bed to tell me she loves me. Right now those words are worth bull and shit! Because I told her not to get out of bed AGAIN unless her head was on fire!!! I know she loves me, and believe me, I love her to bits, but those words did not cover up the actions. Actions speak louder than words... always.

I have been sick now for YEARS, and it gets real old real fast for friends and family. I am no fun if I do make it to what ever event... and I usually can't make it. For years I have been (for the most part) a taker. It SUCKS! Before I got sick, and before the recession wiped out our stock, 401K, and raises, WE were the givers. It is better to give than receive... I promise you that. And a new disaster is much more interesting to help than the same old one... that you don't really understand in the first place! Geeze, are you still sick?

I got sicker just before we adopted our girls. I've had people intimate, if not just out and out ask, "why did you still adopt them?" You have no idea how offensive that is to an adoptive parent. Would you say to a 8-month pregnant lady, "You're getting sicker, why are you still having this baby?"

It also appeared as if getting the girls caused me to get sicker... admittedly, less children would have made things much easier, but it was NOT the strain of having 2 more joys in my life! It was due to a car accident, bad medical treatments, plus a blood-loss condition that was slowly leaching all my health away and a breathing problem that was interrupting my sleep for many years before that. The latter 2 problems have been fixed. And the others are just a matter of time and hard work. But in the meantime I will NOT be at optimum for a long time! I think more than a few people thought, get the surgery, k-pow! you're well! A broken down body and psyche don't quickly heal! WTF, read a book or something!

So when I do put myself out there and offer my time and effort, it's with a great deal of extra work on my part... so far it has not been well rewarded. When will I learn that most people are flakes? Why do i get excited about other people when they are not excited about me? Ya know what, I'm sure I have caused others to ask this same question, so welcome to my pity party! But I do take it personally, because it IS personal.

When I can, I would move heaven and earth to be there for you! Right now I can't. It amuses me when I get pressure to be somewhere or do something that I would love to do, but just can't right now. You have no idea how frustrating that is! Or maybe you do... who am I to say? I just know that's about the time I start popping the Xanex like it's pez candies!

Well, I got what ever stomach bug the kids had... of course theirs was about 24 to 48 hours... mine is at 2 days and counting, plus all of last night in the bathroom! Felt horrible, cuz I know I kept Tom up, too. He's having his own pressures! I think we're having a race to see which one of us will completely lose it and go rampant with an axe through the city of Dundee! Haha, aren't you glad you're not our neighbors?

Speaking of... Mr. and Mrs. Grumpy have turned us in for an official reprimand for our yard the past 2 years running! We got a picture with the last complaint... it was a picture of our dump-pile in the very back corner of our 1+ acre yard! They had to go behind their own hedge to take the picture! After the first one, I sent a letter of apology, explaining how nice it was to get this right after my stay in the hospital! I waver between pity and hatred for my up-hill neighbors... how sad to be that big of a dick-wad! Not sure I have ever seen the man smile! She is a bit nicer, and at least communicates with US rather than just turn us in...

I am weary and pissy... so excuse this negative blast! It's not my norm, but it's true to how I feel 2day... so here it is. I promised EXPOSED... never promised it would be pretty. I have a good friend, sicker than I with terminal cancer, who dared express a slightly less than positive status on FB. He got slammed, so I should be ready for your barrage of insults and rotten tomatoes thrown my way. Then again... maybe nobody will even bother to read this. I think i give a flying fig either way at this point (LIE ALERT: I really do care.)

I'll stop now while I'm behind...

-jay-

on a more important note: please keep my friend Christina and her unborn baby in your prayers. Things are looking difficult to horrible... I am broken hearted about this... skip the pity party and just pray! Looks to be major birth defect, with best case a dwarf with brittle bones, and worst case (and sounding more probable, but what to the drs know) will probably not live much past birth. Either way, we love this precious little one, already for fragile! Thanx.