The senseless death of Casey Binkard

Yesterday, middle of the sunny afternoon, an 18-year-old kid was giving 15-year-old Casey a ride. I don't know where they were coming from, or where they were going. All I know is that the teens sped through a part of town that is still a 25 MPH that eventually turns into a 50 MPH highway, but they had already reached that speed. They hit corner and the rail road tracks that bounced them (possible off of the car beside them into on-coming traffic.

Two elderly women in a larger vehicle met the smaller car coming at them head-on. Both ladies were hurt, but nothing life-threatening. The 18-year-old driver (I'm sorry, i don't know his name) was dead. Life flight came and took Casey away, but he died during surgery.

I know the Binkard family enough to say hi if we are in the same check-out line at Fred Meyers. They are a well known and well liked Dundee family. I have been meaning to call Kerry, the dad, about a building project I've had in mind. They volunteer at the schools, coach sports teams, and have adopted several children. They are simply good people.

Casey came to a tween Vacation Bible School I ran at my house. We had a fun week, and he was just a nice, easy-going fun kid. He was well liked by his peers. I didn't do much more with him for our youth group, because he had his own church. I wish now that I had known him better.

I looked at his FB page today; tons of friends and others from the community left him messages of regret, sadness, and hope. On his info page, his religious views are: "God is my hero, Jesus is my savior." I find great comfort in this declaration.

Although he just finished his freshman year in high school, he listed his college and his major was to be some kind of engineer, as well as missions. This made me sad... to lose such potential. Many of his friends have declared his death as "not fair." I agree.

The weight on my heart is quite heavy... Tom reminded me that many of the burdens I am lugging around aren't even my own. But I feel for my friends... the loss of a son, the same age as my Bubba; a tiny unborn baby already condemned before her first breath of air; a vibrant funny friend living on borrowed time, being eaten away by cancer; friends splitting up and divorcing the person who used to be their best friend; etc.

So I am working to feel, to grieve, and to then move on, giving my cares to God (He asked for them!) I have to actually sit in silence. Then name the care and take my hands and lift them into the air. Sometimes I feel silly, but that's what works for me. I should do this with my physical ailments, too. I give them up... I give them away... please take them from me....

I'll let you know if it works. Meanwhile, please continue to pray for me, for my friend christina's baby, for my buddy Aaron with cancer, and now the Binkard family and really all of Dundee... -jay-

Don't let a fool stand between you and God...

If you let a fool stand between you and God, the fool is still closer to God.

I am having a hard time reconciling my need to go to church with my aversion to "church people." Please don't get me wrong, most people who attend church are not in that category. The problem is, you can't always tell by looking.

Why do I need to go to church at all? God usually gives us rules, commandments, and suggestions for very good reason, usually very logical and practical reasons. This one is no different. On the purely spiritual side, going to church is a specific time set aside to concentrate on worshiping Him, whether that be in music, prayer, or silence. It is also a time of learning and inspiration.

But I could really do all of the above at home. I can set aside time to sing and pray and be silent (yes I know how to be silent!) I can read the Bible and other religious books and studies about the Bible to learn and be inspired. So I ask again, why do I need to go to church?

People need people. Sorry, I think I'm channeling Barbara Streisand. How ever cliche', it's really true. We were made to need each other, and the Church (meaning the entire group of people who have faith in God) was made to be an integral part of our spiritual and everyday lives. It is referred to as the body and as family. Both are great metaphors for the function of having that group of people in our lives.

I have a wonderful family, including very close and beloved extended family. I know I am blessed in that way. I always wonder how people without family survive. I know that I will never be homeless nor go hungry. As a child, i spent time with my aunts and uncles and grandparents, who taught me and nurtured me. Now, my brother is taking my son on his first backpacking trip with the rest of the men in my extended family. He is taking the time to mentor Bubba and to make him feel loved and special. And I look forward to having all of my nieces come and stay over for a big girly slumber party. That's the way my family works.

Of course there are times when I want to throttle the whole lot of them, too. We disagree, get feelings hurt, and then forgive. That's how family my works. It is also how a healthy church should work.

We have a great church in Portland, West Hills Friends. It has been Tom's family's church from the beginning of time... well at least, for as long as anyone can remember. It is a fantastically unusual group of loving odd-balls, who accepted me immediately! I love that church, but when we moved out to Dundee, it became harder and harder to get there each Sunday, plus any additional ministry or involvement was almost impossible.

God prompted us to start a church meeting in our home, first with my parents through the Conservative Baptist Association, then through the Northwest Yearly Meeting of Friends. Through the NWYM,Tom and I were both recognized as released ministers, meaning we could marry or bury you. For all intents and purposes, it really meant that we organized the meeting at our home and were the recognized leaders. Until my health problems put an end to it, this little ministry was very nice. Looking back, the only thing I would change would be to obtain more support from the local friends churches in Newberg, plus a mentor or Bible study lead by someone else just for Tom and me. Gotta love that 20/20 vision you get in hindsight.

With my poor health and the closing of our home-church, it has become very easy to slip into the habit of going nowhere. That's actually a more appropriate sentence than I had originally intended, because it does feel like we are spinning our wheels and getting nowhere these days. Especially for me...

So now what? As a youth pastor's kid, I have seen and heard too much of the "man behind the curtain" pretending to be the great and powerful Oz. Senior pastors top my list of reasons not to go to church. It's a bad combination of seeing the ugly self-serving pompous side of almost all others, and being spoiled by one of the best. I won't mention the others by name, mostly to spare my parents embarrassment, but Mr. Mike Huber is the one who has really spoiled us. He is the first pastor I have ever met who gets what his role is in the church meeting. I'm sure he would be the first to point out that he has flaws, which only makes him that much greater in my esteem. He is a brilliant man, a fabulous story teller, and a true example of actions speaking louder than words. His wife, Erika, is the perfect complement to his strengths and weaknesses. Together, they have taught me so much, and as family, i couldn't ask for a better big brother and sister!

The way that West Hills Friends operates is also unique, making it harder to find a new church meeting. Their openness and craziness could never be matched. Somehow, I have to remember that God has brought me to this new place for a purpose, but my rebellious heart is having a hard time letting go of some old grudges and frustrations.

The Church if often called "the Body." I guess I see so much cancer and disease in that body that I'm not sure I want to be attached to it. And that infection seems to be coming from the leadership, the ones I call the modern-day pharisees. Would Jesus and his friends be welcome in most churches?

I even grapple with the importance places on the physical arrangement of the meeting places, often referred to as "the church." I have heard people say, "We must be careful about what comes from the pulpit." Do they not know that the pulpit originates from pagan temples, incorporated into the christian church to appease those who were against converting to Christianity. As is the alter up front, and so many of the other things we deem holy. I so often want to go through a church and rip out the pews (by the way, anywhere else, they're called benches!) and the pulpits and railings and stages. I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "This is SHIT!" Because that's what all of our religion and traditions and rituals are without the true Spirit of God.

Why can't we sit in a circle and see each other? Why can't the man (or woman) God has called to lead this meeting be humbled at the awesome responsibility he has? Why can't we sing in the middle of the service instead of the beginning and end? Why can't we be stripped of our sunday finery and come naked before each other and before our God? Where do I find a place that is real, where I can be real?

I am not looking for the perfect place; just the opposite. I want to be with sinful people, taught by an openly flawed man, lead by caring and understanding elders who need to be restored as well. Is that too much to ask?

seeking, -jay-

PS. got stuff ya wanna buy on-line? go to my friend aaron's link (below) and do it through his blog... it earns him much needed money!

short and sour...

Kinda been in a funk... no reason. I know I'm not alone, so to all of you bummed out peeps, let's pray for each other. The power of God is amazing, as is the support of friends, which I know I have many! Respond to this post if you want to be added to the numbers we are praying for.

Last night I awoke to find that I had knocked my glass of OJ into my nightstand drawer. Bad news: gross and sticky and i'm tired. Good news: Didn't get any of my books, journal, bible, etc. Forest Gump was wrong, life is not like a box of chocolates, it's like OJ spilled in your night-stand drawer! Some good, some bad, and always messy! And you can choose to laugh or cry, but it really is your choice. And if you don't do SOMETHING it just gets worse. So get up and do something! (this said mostly to my own self...)

Tave got home from camp 2 day... he is truly my son: 3 girlfriends! Watch out, Friends, lock up your daughters! Here come the Fieldhouse boys! =^)

Also, I hurt myself on the giant slip-n-slide yesterday while picking up my daughters from VBS at Joe and Jan's! I was fully dressed, but I never could resist a slip-n-slide! Today I am sore, but it was worth it! Haley and I even went down holding hands! Joe got pix, but i don't have them yet... sorry!

Here's hoping tomorrow is a better day than today, even if today was good! Love to you, my friends! -jay-

Get ready campers...

I'm not sure why camping is so appealing. Hey, let's go away from the comforts of home and modern conveniences... but something about it is enticing. No distractions, gathering with people, and the opportunity to be self-sufficient. A more "pure" existence.

I believe in two forms of camping:
1.) you go up into the "wilderness" and put up a tent. It CAN be in a camp ground, but even better if you have to hike it in a bit. You cook over the fire. I do allow a colman stove, but once again, it's not the best option. I will depart from the true "hard-core" campers, because i don't eat fish. So i don't survive only on the fruits of my labor. RVs and Campers are NOT allowed!
For me, this kind of camping brings back amazing family memories. It was one of the few times I could stand being around my freaky brother. Later, camping horseback trips with the youth group are added to the great memory mix.

It is a time to focus on each other, to laugh and tell stories, and to make memories. I enjoy the mistakes made... the time Brian was drying his shoes by the fire and David knocked them into the fire, or the time David was bringing us a plate of cookies and dumped the whole thing in the sand, or the time David... well let's just say, next time I go camping, I want to bring Dave due to the entertainment value!

I did not marry a camping kind of guy. I was impressed that Tom went with my male relatives to their hard-core hiking and camping/ fishing trip to the Steins Mountains. He became part of the tribe. Now my little brother, Jeff has offered to sponsor Bubba to go this summer, and I think we will let him. Family and tradition are very important to me, and I love that my brother wants to spend this time with his nephew.

We have been tent camping a couple times as a family... with less than optimum results. Our baby, Bubba, who usually slept through the night chose that night to cry... all night. Being in a campground sucks for this, so I spent the night with baby Bubba in the car. Not fun! Etc...

The only really successful camping Tom and I have done has been at a rock festival called Tomfest. For some reason, that has worked. It may be due to the lack of children... although we have taken teen aged friends. Perhaps next time we can take our old kids...

I hope we try the whole camping thing again, probably next summer. I would like the kids to add that to their collection of family memories. For me, the smells are often what I enjoy. The pine trees and wood smoke... and burnt marshmallows. And even though you slept with a wayward rock jabbing you in the back, you feel more alive. Even the bugs and allergies don't seem as bad when I'm camping.

2.) The other kind of camp is organized cabin camping. My first sleep-away camp was Union Rogue in southern Oregon. A bus from my church drove us to this amazing retreat, where we slept in cabins, and had a counselor, and could wear what ever we packed. My hair, a part of me that my mom took great pride in fixing everyday, was my own! I never had less than four ponytails or braids that week. For "silly day", I wore me underwear on the outside of my clothes! What joy!

Later it became about who was taking whom to the banquet. My absolute favorite camp ever was Mt. Lakes, 1985, high-school camp. I was technically a year too young to go, but my dad was the camp pastor. I was living in North Portland by this time, and had a wide range to "types" of friends. This camp is in southern Oregon. I approach a group of guys just hanging out buy the dining that first day. Introduced my self and they all kind of acted strange. I finally got it out of them that it was weird that a "normal" person, especially a girl, was talking to them. I honestly was a bit confused, but as the week progressed I saw their point. There were the "good" kids and the "bad" group. I was honestly appalled, being friends with kids on all sides. Now this kind of made me queen of the "un-popular", plus I had quite a few friends (admittedly male) on the "popular" side as well. I had a date for the banquet by that first day, and was asked by about 7 others! I rarely walked anywhere... I was honestly carried about, even on the all camp "hike." I had to settle fights about who got to sit by me a dinner. All because I was a nice, decent person!
Bragging? You betcha! It's one of my favorite memories... the rest of my life was not normally like that, I promise! That was the summer before I began HIgh school, and it taught me... no scratch that... it reinforced something I had always believed: if you want to be popular, you have to put your best face forward and simply be nice. I'm pretty sure that was NOT the message preached that week, but it's the biggest lesson I learned.

But those Christian camps are an amazing time for kids (and adults) to grow and get excited about God! It's a time of decisions and dedications that last a life-time. I think of it as a "mountain-top experience." Amy Grant had a long-ago song about such experiences: "But we've got to come down from that mountain-top, to the people in the valley below.... or they'll never know the way to go to the mountain of the Lord." (I apologize if i messed up those lyrics... it's been a while.)

I hope my sons have Mountain-top experiences this summer, and that they come home excited, with a renewed first love for the things of God and the people He loves. I hope they see examples of people dedicated to God, whom they can admire and emulate. Mostly, I hope they grow in the grace and in the knowledge of our lord, Jesus Christ. (that last one was stolen from Paul.)
Tave goes to Tween camp at Twin Rocks on Sunday. Bubba goes next month. Pray for them (and their poor counselors!) -jay-

PS. looking for something fun this weekend in the pdx area? my friend, Chris Harris (better known in his band as "Cracker")'s band, Restruct, is playing in the Stripper band Finals. I was disappointed to find that the bands will not be getting undressed for this event... it's all a competition to get on a movie sound track and to get to play in a large festival later this summer. It is NOT a christian event, so keep that in mind. Also, the semi-finals are at a bar (MT Tabor on Hawthorne in pdx, or.) so 21 and older... here's the info:

Start Time:	Saturday, July 10, 2010 at 9:00pm
End Time:	Sunday, July 11, 2010 at 12:00am
Location:	Mt Tabor - 4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd

i feel like crap...

in case u didn't get it from the title, this won't be a happy, up-lifting little ditty, so stop reading now if u want, cuz it's bitch-session time!

Welcome to my pity-party!

Let me preface this, if we have had recent dealings... this is not directed at you! so don't start WW3 by taking this personally... if you do take it personally, them maybe you should! I don't care.

You would think that after 40 years I would learn: nobody really cares about you as much as they say, pretend, or would genuinely like to! I feel like I care about others much more than they do about me. I'm sure you feel the same way! It's part of the human condition. And God cares for me... blah, blah, blah. I know I shouldn't be flippant about something so important, but sometimes I feel like that's saying a parent loves their child... duh! Unless they are totally broken-down, sorry excuses for human losers, don't they all? It's like in high school when u think everybody hates you, and your mom assures you that she still loves you. It's important, but it really doesn't make you feel ANY better. Right?

Nana just got out of bed to tell me she loves me. Right now those words are worth bull and shit! Because I told her not to get out of bed AGAIN unless her head was on fire!!! I know she loves me, and believe me, I love her to bits, but those words did not cover up the actions. Actions speak louder than words... always.

I have been sick now for YEARS, and it gets real old real fast for friends and family. I am no fun if I do make it to what ever event... and I usually can't make it. For years I have been (for the most part) a taker. It SUCKS! Before I got sick, and before the recession wiped out our stock, 401K, and raises, WE were the givers. It is better to give than receive... I promise you that. And a new disaster is much more interesting to help than the same old one... that you don't really understand in the first place! Geeze, are you still sick?

I got sicker just before we adopted our girls. I've had people intimate, if not just out and out ask, "why did you still adopt them?" You have no idea how offensive that is to an adoptive parent. Would you say to a 8-month pregnant lady, "You're getting sicker, why are you still having this baby?"

It also appeared as if getting the girls caused me to get sicker... admittedly, less children would have made things much easier, but it was NOT the strain of having 2 more joys in my life! It was due to a car accident, bad medical treatments, plus a blood-loss condition that was slowly leaching all my health away and a breathing problem that was interrupting my sleep for many years before that. The latter 2 problems have been fixed. And the others are just a matter of time and hard work. But in the meantime I will NOT be at optimum for a long time! I think more than a few people thought, get the surgery, k-pow! you're well! A broken down body and psyche don't quickly heal! WTF, read a book or something!

So when I do put myself out there and offer my time and effort, it's with a great deal of extra work on my part... so far it has not been well rewarded. When will I learn that most people are flakes? Why do i get excited about other people when they are not excited about me? Ya know what, I'm sure I have caused others to ask this same question, so welcome to my pity party! But I do take it personally, because it IS personal.

When I can, I would move heaven and earth to be there for you! Right now I can't. It amuses me when I get pressure to be somewhere or do something that I would love to do, but just can't right now. You have no idea how frustrating that is! Or maybe you do... who am I to say? I just know that's about the time I start popping the Xanex like it's pez candies!

Well, I got what ever stomach bug the kids had... of course theirs was about 24 to 48 hours... mine is at 2 days and counting, plus all of last night in the bathroom! Felt horrible, cuz I know I kept Tom up, too. He's having his own pressures! I think we're having a race to see which one of us will completely lose it and go rampant with an axe through the city of Dundee! Haha, aren't you glad you're not our neighbors?

Speaking of... Mr. and Mrs. Grumpy have turned us in for an official reprimand for our yard the past 2 years running! We got a picture with the last complaint... it was a picture of our dump-pile in the very back corner of our 1+ acre yard! They had to go behind their own hedge to take the picture! After the first one, I sent a letter of apology, explaining how nice it was to get this right after my stay in the hospital! I waver between pity and hatred for my up-hill neighbors... how sad to be that big of a dick-wad! Not sure I have ever seen the man smile! She is a bit nicer, and at least communicates with US rather than just turn us in...

I am weary and pissy... so excuse this negative blast! It's not my norm, but it's true to how I feel 2day... so here it is. I promised EXPOSED... never promised it would be pretty. I have a good friend, sicker than I with terminal cancer, who dared express a slightly less than positive status on FB. He got slammed, so I should be ready for your barrage of insults and rotten tomatoes thrown my way. Then again... maybe nobody will even bother to read this. I think i give a flying fig either way at this point (LIE ALERT: I really do care.)

I'll stop now while I'm behind...

-jay-

on a more important note: please keep my friend Christina and her unborn baby in your prayers. Things are looking difficult to horrible... I am broken hearted about this... skip the pity party and just pray! Looks to be major birth defect, with best case a dwarf with brittle bones, and worst case (and sounding more probable, but what to the drs know) will probably not live much past birth. Either way, we love this precious little one, already for fragile! Thanx.

What's up with the PICTURE?

Three years ago at Christmas, my brother's super hot wife took sexy pix of herself on his Harley. I was almost all the way through our traditional Christmas morning breakfast, made by grandma, before I notice the HUGE picture above the mantle... it was very hot, and the fact that it stayed there all through Christmas (we're talking extended family all stays at a camp for several days) was hilarious. If U wanna c it, just look on my bro's FB pix. The next year, kind of as a joke, I took sexy pix of my other super cute sister-in-law with their old fashion bicycle. They actually turned out really good, kinda 40's pin-up girl look. That Christmas morning, the new sexy picture was up there.

So joke started that this year was my turn. Keep in mind, I am quite a bit older and chubbier than my little sisters(in law)... But Heather came over and I got all Fixed up and dressed down, with my main prop being our little pocket bike! It was really just for laughs, but when the pix came back I was shocked to find I didn't hate them! I honestly haven't had a picture of me in the last 5 years that I have liked, so to have these pix be the ones I like was really a surprise. So I blew up a few of my favs, with the biggest one gracing the mantle this Christmas. We now have them hanging in our bedroom and in Tom's office.

The reason I've posted them on FB is that, at almost 40-years-old and Blah blah blah pounds over-weight, I can still look good... it's really to remind me that I'm not dead yet. And that's with me being sick for more than 5 years, so imagine what I can do when I'm well. Admittedly, they're a bit racy, but really more covered than most ads these days. Also, if you are at all familiar with my FB postings, I have no problems with nudity! =^)

Why is it the heading picture on my blog? It represents what I'm doing here. I'm a bit over exposed. It's meant to shock and attract and amuse all at the same time. And cuz I like it.

Maybe it's also a warning to the easily offended... if you can't take that, then you won't like what I write, so just don't look! Feel free to have you're own reaction; I'm not easily offended. Then again, it might make me sad if you ask to borrow it, because your ass wants to go on vacation. (sorry, had to add an Ash quote into this one... it's been evil dead/ army of darkness day for me.)

loves and laughs, -jay-

ps. Aaron is doing stand up comedy this sunday night in sprinfield, OR:
Location: Two Friends Pizza & Pub
Time: 9:00 pm
Cost: Free
Age Restrictions: 21 & Over

Divorce is in the air...

Remember when the biggest news among your peers was who had lost a tooth? That soon grew into who was "going with" whom. Then came cars and freedom! Let me just stay there for a while. I was one of those few who actually enjoyed being a teen. I had fun, made friends, ignored the normal social boundaries. In 8th grade I was even crowned "queen of hearts" with my boyfriend, Donnie as "king," and enjoyed being on the "freshman court" the next year. I wasn't really one of the popular kids, but they were my friends, as were the nerds, the stoners, the jocks, and especially the drama geeks! If you were nice or interesting or just around, you were my friend.

I can attribute much of my happiness to my great parents, who still drove me nuts with their rules, but I had stability and the freedom to be myself. Now, as the parent of a teen, I appreciate what a crazy balancing act that is.

Next came college and jobs. Pretty soon came the rainbow of bridesmaid dresses. Eventually I found my own "nerd-charming" in Tom. Ahhhh... gotta love being in love! Planning a wedding, trying to reconcile a grandiose imagination with a shoe-string budget. Setting up our first apartment, using the tiny patio out back to build and paint our furniture. I remember one of our neighbors popped his head out and saw me surrounded by power tools and projects. He asked if I was helping my husband... to which I laughed and told him that sometimes I let my husband help me! I remember my father-in-law giving Tom the sander and drill set that had been on MY christmas wish list... It confused him when he asked how Tom was liking the tools, and Tom told him to ask me; I was the one using them!

Pretty soon came the pregnancy announcements. Throwing parties for those expected little bundles, crying with those who lost or couldn't conceive them. It was baby-time! We had 2, and lost 2... then adopted 2 more. Because i have young friends and family, i still get those announcements. As a matter of fact, I'm going to be Aunt Nonnie for a 6th time this spring! But slowly, those announcements are diminishing.

What's now taken their place? Divorces. I hate stereo types and statistics. I hate predictability, especially when it is negative. And yet... i would say almost half of our old married friends have or are getting divorced. Those couples that you say, "they're so weird and perfect for each other." Now their just weird and living in different homes, sometimes married to other weird people. Let me stop now and address all of my friends who are in this category and say, "yes, I'm talking about you!"

I feel a sense of grief for these dying or dead relationships, vows broken, hearts bruised, and families torn apart. Yes, all cliche's, but so appropriately descriptive of what my friends are going through. The seven year itch is a truth... if you make it past that, then you have to meet the 14 year all-over body rash! I think these are the years that the "falling" in love and the happily-ever-after myths are dispelled. You are now stuck with a fatter, balder, wrinklier version of that person who you tripped over into love, and that thing they did that was so cute... now makes you want to rip their (fill-in-the blank) off and shove it (again, fill-in-the-blank.) The realities of life hit home; we get sick, we mess up, we get bored, we realize that we can't ever change that other person, and we give up, often under "good" advice.

Am I naive to be surprised when i find out that my dear friend's wife is leaving him due to domestic abuse? I always am. I am shocked to hear that another friend had several affairs before his wife left him. I guess it shocks me, because i know those feelings and longings, but could never act on them. I recently discovered that an old friend that I chatted with all the time on Facebook was probably setting me up for seduction. I laugh now when I realize his confusion when he came to visit me while Tom was away and most kids are in school, only to find our visit included my home-schooled son and pre-school daughter! Makes me laugh now, and kind of angry. I was depressed and feeling fat and old, and he wanted to prey on that. Sorry buddy, ya got the wrong girl! He has since destroyed one marriage, plus his own, and at least one other person is holding onto his secret betrayal for dear life! All because he felt lonely and bored, unhappy and unloved.

It is not my place to judge, therefore, please take what i say as my opinion and beliefs that i would never impose on another person. "The church" can be harsh on those in this situation. I know of one marriage that I hope either gets major help, or ends soon, before it completely kills the people involved. I know that none of my friends entered into divorce easily... in some cases, with more thought maybe than they put into entering into the marriage in the first place. That last statement was mostly meant as a joke. I tend to use humor to diffuse my own strong feelings.

I suppose the next stage will become who has grandchildren and who has died. I have already seen a glimpse into that future, and I'm not sure I like it. Can I please go back to the "who is going with whom" stage? Maybe that's what some of my divorced friends are also longing for... to fall in love again; to feel desired and pursued. I could understand that. But reality for me is that that stage has come and gone. I should move into the next stage with grace. Of course I won't. When have I ever done anything with grace?

But move on I will, enjoying the freakishness of having kids and teens. Today I got to clean puke from more than 5 different surfaces, and it makes me laugh. I remain in love with a good man. It is a choice, whether made consciously or not. I hold onto my faith in God, more valuable than any other relationship. And I try to enjoy my family and friends... divorces, puke, and all.
-jay-

ps... just realized you may have thought this was a personal announcement... sorry if i scared anyone! (like most things, this made me laugh!)

Health and chores... warning guys, this one talks about "woman parts."

Some of you may have heard this one b4, so please excuse the repitition. I thought i would catch everyone up to now... oh, and it talks about medical stuff and guts and girls bits, so don't read if you get really squeamish!

Do you know how hard it is to explain to my son that his sore toe should not keep him from doing his chores, when i have spent the better part of 4+ years in bed or resting on the couch, because i have been sick for at least that long? I think it finally sunk in today when I explained I that for at least ten years, i have been surviving with a very diseased vital organ and, eventually, it disintegrated into shreds when a doctor finally listened to me and removed it. I say vital, because for me to have borne both him and his brother, I needed that uterus. The attached ovary had thrown me into the most explosive and painful episodes I have ever experienced. Have u ever felt horrible stomach pains, felt your face was on fire, sat on the toilet holding the garbage can to catching the other end, only to lose consciousness and have your faithful (and freaked out and grossed out) spouse run in just in time to lift your head so you wouldn't drown in your own vomit. I can't get to the ER right away... and I would die of embarrassment if we had to call the local rescue guys. We live in a small town, and I don't even want to face that handsome volunteer firefighter/ emt at the town festivals or in the middle of Fred Myers if he had to see me pooping and barfing all over the place! So we wait until the pooping is at least taken care of ... I grab a bowl and start heading to the car; one time i actually crawled. Tom could have carried me, but it would have hurt too much.

Now it's time to try to explain to the ER doctor what the last couple hours have been like. They don't see anything wrong, except that my lower abdomen hurts a bit. I am a talented actress (please excuse the vanity for the sake of the story,) so i am careful not to over-dramatize things. Looking back now, I'm sure it was hard to believe this stoic woman had just gone through all of that. My first attack happened 10 years ago. It would repeat a couple times, then go away. Only to return with a vengeance every few years...

The third OBGYN told me these little discomforts were certainly worth bearing rather than being thrown into early menopause. Next please!

Finally an ER doc with a brain sent me for an immediate full body scan. It looked like I had a rather large ovarian cyst exactly where i pointed to when it hurt. It was only 4 or 5 centimeters, and had fluid around it. By then, i had done my research; i either had recurring rupturing cysts or a rare tumor. I saw the cyst, so i thought the answer would be pretty simple, right? No. I would be in much more pain if i had a rupturing cyst. The next few OBGYNs agreed. Finally, my regular dr and i sat down and looked at the films of that one (and only) full scan, plus several ultra-sounds. She pointed out where there was obvious fluid and blood coming from that cyst (and one other one they actually caught on film. She agreed this should be a no-brainer, but still I couldn't find a Doctor willing to take out a "perfectly good organ."

The culmination of several other health problems sent us to the Mayo clinic for answers. Chronic fatigue, fribromyalgia, decreasing immune system, depression, etc... They tested me from head to toe, they spent time talking with me, and they gave me a laundry list of things i needed to change. Number one was to get a hysterectomy; not only was i having these horrible bouts of rupturing cysts, but i was losing so much blood that i wasn't able to reproduce enough before i lost it again.

We returned to Oregon with a plan... even then, we had to wade through one more Dr. Jerkweed, to find Dr. Awesome-sent-from-God-angel! I would have to go look up her name, but she is among my favorite people in this world! She listened and agreed to take out my uterus (not just scrape it with lazers) plus my left... yes only the left... ovary. What was scheduled to be a 2 hour surgery turned into a 5 hour ordeal. Endometriosis, plus it's mirror image disease that i can't remember the name of, had taken over, and what normally comes out as one gross lump, shredded and tore until she had to work it out in pieces. Then came the ovary, so covered with scar tissue, they had to carefully scrape it off of other stuff in there, including my bladder. But she was great and got it all out without damage to the rest of me.

A couple other procedures, including a "nose-job", and I should be on the way to good health and happiness. And i am... kind of. With damage this long, my body is worn out, and i can't fight of even a baby germ! I have found a great Doctor and a wonderful Naturopathic Doctor, who is working to get me actually healthy and not just medicating the symptoms. But it's still an up-hill battle. I recently fought off a 2 month bought of Lymph node system poisoning, and last week a simple cold had me in bed for the entire week. I finally feel human again! I hope it sticks around.

But back to my kids, who are having a hard time remembering the super-soccer-mom, drama teacher, theater director, artist, author, dancer, poet... and someone who was a good example of having a strong work ethic. So now i am faced with helping them know how to work hard, and how hard to work. The balance of a healthy, successful life... I don't care if this illness was not my choosing, I feel guilty that my weaknesses have had a negative affect on my 4 crazy monkeys.

So, I again am asking for your prayers... I know I am meant to be well again, but it gets very discouraging.

Okay, it's way past my bed-time and I didn't talk about what i had said I would last time. Be patient, it will come. Also, my apologies to those who have heard all this b4. I will try not to repeat myself, but this part is such a part of where i am now. Thank you for indulging me. <3>

Blogging Virgin

Please be gentle... it's my first time!

I spent a sleepless night lost in the web... facebooking, looking up the value of a salvaged bowl (nothing like finding that old bowl is worth over $100!) and other random stuff. I did try to sleep; finally gave up and took a relaxing bath. All the while, thoughts, ideas, sermons, rants and ravings ran through my head. Many will be surprised I've never felt the need to blog; I tend to live out and I'm married to a computer nerd, so why not blog? To be honest... too trendy. Same reason I have never read a Harry Potter book or watch Dancing-with-the stars. I hate doing what everybody else is doing... they zig, i zag. Of course, in my quest to be individual, I am really just like everybody else. Don't we all want to be original and unique?

It's now past 8AM, so the monkeys are allowed out of their cages. I have a strict rule: everybody stays in bed until 8AM during the summer! Otherwise, miss Nana Bears would be in my face by 6! Are all children naturally morning people? Then puberty hits, and they become night people? By adulthood, I think we're like a shuffled deck, some morning, some night... right now i seem to be an afternoon person! I'm sure I will write my fair share of health up-date stuff, but not today.

I will tell you I have finally shaken this last bug and almost feel human. Yay! I am looking forward to moving into my new office. For the past ten years Tom has had the back area as his office. It's really too large to be an office or a den, maybe more like a library, because one of the walls is solid bookshelves and it has a (non-working) wood stove. While Tom worked from home quite a bit, this was perfect, but Intel has changed it's policies and we've added two more cute distractions to our family. Therefore, Tom suggested that we trade my craft area near the kitchen for his mega-office in the back. It works out wonderfully, because now the whole family doesn't have to maneuver around my latest project... and Tom can shut all of his equipment in the built-in desks and shelves perfectly. I was feeling well enough to start the move; the boys helped me box everything up and move them into the big room. At that point I got very sick, so all of my "stuff" is in boxes, and I can't find a thing! Losing things is one of my pet peeves; so much so that it can send me into a panic attack. I was surprised when a professional told me I have OCD and perfectionist tendencies. Who knew?

Okay, this first blog is pretty boring. I promise to be more offensive next time! I think I'll talk about my views on homosexuality.... that is sure to offend both my conservative and liberal friends.

TTFN... if u have a sec, pop over to the judasforgiven blog, or the aaron m. pre-memorial foundation on facebook and donate what you can. i have over 600 FB friends; if each person gave $10.... then aaron would have... (doing the math)... let's just say he could pay the rent and keep the lights on! I'll try to figure out how to add his blog to my links... I may have to wake up Tom for that!

Thank you for being so kind and reading this tenderly... hehe! -jay-