I am having a hard time reconciling my need to go to church with my aversion to "church people." Please don't get me wrong, most people who attend church are not in that category. The problem is, you can't always tell by looking.
Why do I need to go to church at all? God usually gives us rules, commandments, and suggestions for very good reason, usually very logical and practical reasons. This one is no different. On the purely spiritual side, going to church is a specific time set aside to concentrate on worshiping Him, whether that be in music, prayer, or silence. It is also a time of learning and inspiration.
But I could really do all of the above at home. I can set aside time to sing and pray and be silent (yes I know how to be silent!) I can read the Bible and other religious books and studies about the Bible to learn and be inspired. So I ask again, why do I need to go to church?
People need people. Sorry, I think I'm channeling Barbara Streisand. How ever cliche', it's really true. We were made to need each other, and the Church (meaning the entire group of people who have faith in God) was made to be an integral part of our spiritual and everyday lives. It is referred to as the body and as family. Both are great metaphors for the function of having that group of people in our lives.
I have a wonderful family, including very close and beloved extended family. I know I am b
lessed in that way. I always wonder how people without family survive. I know that I will never be homeless nor go hungry. As a child, i spent time with my aunts and uncles and grandparents, who taught me and nurtured me. Now, my brother is taking my son on his first backpacking trip with the rest of the men in my extended family. He is taking the time to mentor Bubba and to make him feel loved and special. And I look forward to having all of my nieces come and stay over for a big girly slumber party. That's the way my family works.Of course there are times when I want to throttle the whole lot of them, too. We disagree, get feelings hurt, and then forgive. That's how family my works. It is also how a healthy church should work.
We have a great church in Portland, West Hills Friends. It has been Tom's family's church from the beginning of time... well at least, for as long as anyone can remember. It is a fantastically unusual group of loving odd-balls, who accepted me immediately! I love that church, but when we moved out to Dundee, it became harder and harder to get there each Sunday, plus any additional ministry or involvement was almost impossible.
God prompted us to start a church meeting in our home, first with my parents through the Conservative Baptist Association, then through the Northwest Yearly Meeting of Friends. Through the NWYM,Tom and I were both recognized as released ministers, meaning we could marry or bury you. For all intents and purposes, it really meant that we organized the meeting at our home and were the recognized leaders. Until my health problems put an end to it, this little ministry was very nice. Looking back, the only thing I would change would be to obtain more support from the local friends churches in Newberg, plus a mentor or Bible study lead by someone else just for Tom and me. Gotta love that 20/20 vision you get in hindsight.
With my poor health and the closing of our home-church, it has become very easy to slip into the habit of going nowhere. That's actually a more appropriate sentence than I had originally intended, because it does feel like we are spinning our wheels and getting nowhere these days. Especially for me...
So now what? As a youth pastor's kid, I have seen and heard too much of the "man behind the curtain" pretending to be the great and powerful Oz. Senior pastors top my list of reasons not to go to church. It's a bad combination of seeing the ugly self-serving pompous side of almost all others, and being spoiled by one of the best. I won't mention the others by name, mostly to spare my parents embarrassment, but Mr. Mike Huber is the one who has really spoiled us. He is the first pastor I have ever met who gets what his role is in the church meeting. I'm sure he would be the first to point out that he has flaws, which only makes him that much greater in my esteem. He is a brilliant man, a fabulous story teller, and a true example of actions speaking louder than words. His wife, Erika, is the perfect complement to his strengths and weaknesses. Together, they have taught me so much, and as family, i couldn't ask for a better big brother and sister!
The way that West Hills Friends operates is also unique, making it harder to find a new church meeting. Their openness and craziness could never be matched. Somehow, I have to remember that God has brought me to this new place for a purpose, but my rebellious heart is having a hard time letting go of some old grudges and frustrations.
The Church if often called "the Body." I guess I see so much cancer and disease in that body that I'm not sure I want to be attached to it. And that infection seems to be coming from the leadership, the ones I call the modern-day pharisees. Would Jesus and his friends be welcome in most churches?
I even grapple with the importance places on the physical arrangement of the meeting places, often referred to as "the church." I have heard people say, "We must be careful about what comes from the pulpit." Do they not know that the pulpit originates from pagan temples, incorporated into the christian church to appease those who were against converting to Christianity. As is the alter up front, and so many of the other things we deem holy. I so often want to go through a church and rip out the pews (by the way, anywhere else, they're called benches!) and the pulpits and railings and stages. I want to yell at the top of my lungs, "This is SHIT!" Because that's what all of our religion and traditions and rituals are without the true Spirit of God.
Why can't we sit in a circle and see each other? Why can't the man (or woman) God has called to lead this meeting be humbled at the awesome responsibility he has? Why can't we sing in the middle of the service instead of the beginning and end? Why can't we be stripped of our sunday finery and come naked before each other and before our God? Where do I find a place that is real, where I can be real?
I am not looking for the perfect place; just the opposite. I want to be with sinful people, taught by an openly flawed man, lead by caring and understanding elders who need to be restored as well. Is that too much to ask?
seeking, -jay-
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