Remember when the biggest news among your peers was who had lost a tooth? That soon grew into who was "going with" whom. Then came cars and freedom! Let me just stay there for a while. I was one of those few who actually enjoyed being a teen. I had fun, made friends, ignored the normal social boundaries. In 8th grade I was even crowned "queen of hearts" with my boyfriend, Donnie as "king," and enjoyed being on the "freshman court" the next year. I wasn't really one of the popular kids, but they were my friends, as were the nerds, the stoners, the jocks, and especially the drama geeks! If you were nice or interesting or just around, you were my friend.
I can attribute much of my happiness to my great parents, who still drove me nuts with their rules, but I had stability and the freedom to be myself. Now, as the parent of a teen, I appreciate what a crazy balancing act that is.
Next came college and jobs. Pretty soon came the rainbow of bridesmaid dresses. Eventually I found my own "nerd-charming" in Tom. Ahhhh... gotta love being in love! Planning a wedding, trying to reconcile a grandiose imagination with a shoe-string budget. Setting up our first apartment, using the tiny patio out back to build and paint our furniture. I remember one of our neighbors popped his head out and saw me surrounded by power tools and projects. He asked if I was helping my husband... to which I laughed and told him that sometimes I let my husband help me! I remember my father-in-law giving Tom the sander and drill set that had been on MY christmas wish list... It confused him when he asked how Tom was liking the tools, and Tom told him to ask me; I was the one using them!
Pretty soon came the pregnancy announcements. Throwing parties for those expected little bundles, crying with those who lost or couldn't conceive them. It was baby-time! We had 2, and lost 2... then adopted 2 more. Because i have young friends and family, i still get those announcements. As a matter of fact, I'm going to be Aunt Nonnie for a 6th time this spring! But slowly, those announcements are diminishing.
What's now taken their place? Divorces. I hate stereo types and statistics. I hate predictability, especially when it is negative. And yet... i would say almost half of our old married friends have or are getting divorced. Those couples that you say, "they're so weird and perfect for each other." Now their just weird and living in different homes, sometimes married to other weird people. Let me stop now and address all of my friends who are in this category and say, "yes, I'm talking about you!"
I feel a sense of grief for these dying or dead relationships, vows broken, hearts bruised, and families torn apart. Yes, all cliche's, but so appropriately descriptive of what my friends are going through. The seven year itch is a truth... if you make it past that, then you have to meet the 14 year all-over body rash! I think these are the years that the "falling" in love and the happily-ever-after myths are dispelled. You are now stuck with a fatter, balder, wrinklier version of that person who you tripped over into love, and that thing they did that was so cute... now makes you want to rip their (fill-in-the blank) off and shove it (again, fill-in-the-blank.) The realities of life hit home; we get sick, we mess up, we get bored, we realize that we can't ever change that other person, and we give up, often under "good" advice.
Am I naive to be surprised when i find out that my dear friend's wife is leaving him due to domestic abuse? I always am. I am shocked to hear that another friend had several affairs before his wife left him. I guess it shocks me, because i know those feelings and longings, but could never act on them. I recently discovered that an old friend that I chatted with all the time on Facebook was probably setting me up for seduction. I laugh now when I realize his confusion when he came to visit me while Tom was away and most kids are in school, only to find our visit included my home-schooled son and pre-school daughter! Makes me laugh now, and kind of angry. I was depressed and feeling fat and old, and he wanted to prey on that. Sorry buddy, ya got the wrong girl! He has since destroyed one marriage, plus his own, and at least one other person is holding onto his secret betrayal for dear life! All because he felt lonely and bored, unhappy and unloved.
It is not my place to judge, therefore, please take what i say as my opinion and beliefs that i would never impose on another person. "The church" can be harsh on those in this situation. I know of one marriage that I hope either gets major help, or ends soon, before it completely kills the people involved. I know that none of my friends entered into divorce easily... in some cases, with more thought maybe than they put into entering into the marriage in the first place. That last statement was mostly meant as a joke. I tend to use humor to diffuse my own strong feelings.
I suppose the next stage will become who has grandchildren and who has died. I have already seen a glimpse into that future, and I'm not sure I like it. Can I please go back to the "who is going with whom" stage? Maybe that's what some of my divorced friends are also longing for... to fall in love again; to feel desired and pursued. I could understand that. But reality for me is that that stage has come and gone. I should move into the next stage with grace. Of course I won't. When have I ever done anything with grace?
But move on I will, enjoying the freakishness of having kids and teens. Today I got to clean puke from more than 5 different surfaces, and it makes me laugh. I remain in love with a good man. It is a choice, whether made consciously or not. I hold onto my faith in God, more valuable than any other relationship. And I try to enjoy my family and friends... divorces, puke, and all.
-jay-
ps... just realized you may have thought this was a personal announcement... sorry if i scared anyone! (like most things, this made me laugh!)
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