the dream (s)

this is as jotted down after i woke up... it's now been 3 hours and i am still dizzy and half awake!

i didn't bother putting it into sentences and paragraphs. it would make too much sense that way:

evil buried beneath us and mexico... one or 2 bundles or seeds... after we dig it up, twice, the whole foundation of the US will slip...

missionary conference... split by jealousy... many of YOU were there...

missions theater for the locals or? looking back, they were animated bugs...

the bundles buried by saul (rename after being paul)

call riley to hold onto his faith

the first shift of plates wouldn't work, but he did pollute the pure waters

because of a double date, the feet were cut off from the plate holding india, then the rhino's nose was cut from the high mt on that plate and set on a high mountain in california, where we were going to meet for our date. (double date w/ debbie (who in real life is dead), missionary kid, missionary kid, and me... suggested by debbie... insisted on, butted in)

spliting the plates this way doubled the coverage between someplace south and the european, plate, which had been carved out, so she couldn't block the dark plate. Instead they fell in a circular pattern, leaving the the place in the center, where he had created a baby basket out of the nose and other parts, adding into it. he attempted to cut off faith, but my doorbell (in reality) woke me. i had smiled, because i didn't want him to see my fear, or because i didn't think he could cut it, or because by chiseling it off, he would have to put it in the baby basket.

beware, the ground under you will be changing... it was loosened when we searched for the bundle... during the wedding after the festival... that has been tangled in the roots... it could lead to evil, but only if we let it, which we didn't... but it was dangerous.

mass shopping centers with the attitude of seinfeld characters... getting lost... funny... waste of time...

Awake:
it was just suggested that all this may be just about me... rings true... can't tell right now. I'm dizzy and can't seem to wake up. probably will delete this when my mind returns.
-jay-

fallen off the blessings wagon...

So, a puking migraine and dying friend's wife being laid off today, had dragged me out of my happy reverie for a while. Life doesn't suck, but it sure ain't easy right now... a couple more marriages have bit the dust... and I think a bomb hit the inside of my house!

Then my hubby gathered me and our oldest two kids together to watch, "My Name is Bruce," and all is right again! Best movie since "Army of Darkness!" And just as quotable... warnings to my FB friends! I'm a simple gal with twisted taste!

I have been having bouts of agoraphobia, which means i feel too ugly to leave my house... it goes with the fun of bi-polar and getting old, etc. But enough of my low-self esteem ramblings.

I hope to get out and about next week, actually, starting this weekend. Date with Tom... and Rick tomorrow. Any SWF wanna go on a date with my single bro-in-law for his 38th b-day? He has a job and his own house... call me by saturday night (that's tomorrow!)

Making changes... I usually talk about them first, but I'd rather DO first this time, then TALK (that'll be a change!) So I'll keep ya posted.

A note on my blessings, I had this week and last to spend with my Sugar Boy, Taven. He was nick-named T.J. Sugar Boy when he was just a baby, by my dad. He's always had such a sweet nature... still does. In spite of head aches and other crap... I loved having the time with my Tay-Tay! The girls are having a blast at day camp. I need to take these last few days and make sure Taven is up on his school work (having home schooled the last part of last year.) Frankly, math is the only thing I need to bring him up to speed on, and he's such a wiz at that, I just need to make sure he has the basic building blocks down. I will be working on writing with both boys until all of us die or graduate!!! Place your bets...

I need to do about a million different things, so I'll probably go play mindless games and try to sleep like a normal person (I like to at least pretend.) Love ya just for taking the time to read this! Become a "follower", so I feel like people like me! -Jay-

PS... Aaron's wife lost her job today, so pray... and if you live in the eugene/ sprinfield area and know of a job, let me know and i'll pass it on. OR better yet, if you are independently wealthy, pass some money on to Aaron and family; his link is at the bottom of this blog page. Thanks!

my little blessings... to be continued

I don't know everything that happened before our daughters became our daughters. Several people feel that an injustice was done when the girls were put into the foster care system, and again when they were adopted by us. I am so glad I had nothing to do with that part of things. All I know is that my girls are exactly where they should be. Perhaps he used a corrupt agency or person to create the correct out-come. Even those who were wronged believe that this is where my girls should be. We have several mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters, but our immediate family knows who we are.

We are a unique unit put together by God. It is not a perfect unit... come on now, we are human. But I am sure that this is where we should be. And I wait for God's leading for the next step.

Meanwhile, I get to enjoy my 4 monsters.

Bubba is the leader of the pack. We are friends, which is rare for a child and a pretty strict mom, but we laugh at the same stupid stuff and have our in-side jokes. It was a bit disconcerting when about 2 years ago his brain fell out! Most of you who have a young teen will know exactly what I am talking about. He reverted back to obnoxious childhood behaviors; I don't remember having to answer so many "why" questions, even when he was a toddler he wasn't this clueless! Then, while giving the explanation, you look up to see the vast wilderness behind his blank stare. Hello! is anybody there????

But I still adore him and have fun with my buddy. He's still not too cool to hug me in public, and he often tells me that i look pretty or that my new hair color (that nobody else noticed) looks good on me. He comes to me with questions most kids would be embarrassed even to ask their peers. I hope it stays this way. Before you get me wrong, Bubba is NOT a mama's boy. He takes care of his own battles and has many friends and girlfriends. It's just that he has maintained a positive relationship with me (on Tom, too.)

sorry kids... migraine calls... gotta rest... more later...
-jay-

back again... still counting those blessings

Hopefully this missive will be comprehensible, as I am running here and there between sentences. Last week was full of fun stuff, but also very active stuff, so after driving my son down to my uncle's house (to go on a back packing trip to which he ended up not going due to my bro's health.)
on Wednesday, I got home and to my hubby, "I need to just lie down for a minute." I woke up today at noon! I was in and out most of that time, so it wasn't solid sleep, but i didn't really leave my bed.) Thankfully Tom was able to get the girls to and from day camp, and Taven has become a huge help.

Back to my blessings...
My hubby, Tom:

I am so thankful for my cute computer nerd! I say that with pride, cuz it's the nerds who really rule the world, now! I am proud of how smart my guy is! I always knew he was smart, but he recently did some testing, and he is (if i remember correctly) 94th percentile! If you look at the bell curve of IQ's, they drop off significantly around 90, so he is in an elite group! Am I bragging? Probably... but I complain enough about him that i think this balances things out!

God has taught him patience the last few years. How does the saying go? "If mama ain't happy, then ain't nobody's happy." At least in our house, this has been true. Tom has held up under tremendous pressure, and I am so thankful for him! I hope, as I get well, i can take a lot of the pressure off of him.

(break)

Well Dingo Dog!!!! I can't find the new checks, and we're out of the old checks... and i have bills to pay! this is the first month of my financial takeover, and i can't even find the freaking checks!
Okay, i feel better now.

(break)

I'll talk about Tom more in another post. Now I want to mention Taven. He is struggling with ADHD and the emotional problems that come with it, as well as pre-adolescent hormones. God is really working on his heart. My prayer is that he is not just stuffing his feelings down and needs a safe place to let them out. In spite of all this, he helped me clean the Fridge-side of the kitchen. We even bleached the grout and sealed. He was a huge help.

Today, somebody made a peanut butter sandwich on the counter he had just clean; when he saw the mess, he almost cried. I told him it would be just a quick wipe and it would be okay, but I used it as a teaching moment, helping him feel empathy for others (me in this case.) It was cool to see the light turn on in his brain when he got it. He's also our random hugger! I love it... can't say his brother and sisters would agree (it can be kind of annoying.)

(YAY! I found the checks!)

I have so much more to tell about last week end, but as usual, my time is up.

luvs 2 ya, -jay-

PS. I do want to say a big thank you to jeff and heff for keeping Bubba for a week and a half. I love that my brother and sister take the time to be with my kids! He learned it from my uncle Les! I really do love my extended family!

my blessings... part one.

Pain and sickness can over-shadow everything else in life. Tonight I aspire to reflect upon the good things in my life; they more than out-number the bad!

The people in my life are the best of the best. Unfortunately, I have recently started to obsess about their faults. I am guilty of gossip and spreading discontentment in my own family, and I now vow to move forward into the positive light. I shall strive to let only complements and constructive words leave my mouth. I will speak the truth in love, and let my mind dwell on what I love about the people God has sent into my life. Each one is a gift.

Love begins with myself and God. Before I can focus on the good in others and truly love them, i need to find God's gifts in me. The Bible tells us to love others as we love ourselves; we cannot give what we don't have. Love begins in me, which wasn't really a problem until recently.

Most people can't point to the exact time they began having an eating disorder. I can. It was while shopping for clothes, just before 8th grade. Keep in mind, at that time nobody really knew about or discussed this problem. Swim suits get us every time! I couldn't fit into the kids' sized suits, and i had no boobs to fill out the adult suits. So I began to starve myself, occasionally binge, then feel so bad I would eat even less. Early in high school I was so thrilled when my weight dropped to 94 lbs. Oops, there I go again: reflecting on the negative. I'll just speed it up here.

One of my greatest fears is to be fat. I have recently weighed one hundred pounds over that weight I reached in High School. No matter how you put it, that is fat. Some of you might wonder what the big deal is; I can only say that it affects my entire perspective on who and what I am.

On to the positive... I have this crazy idea for an exercise program, so I start taping it next week. Wouldn't you like to see a fat person doing the exercises, and then see her progress and the weight fall off. I think it would be inspirational to those chubs like me to start at that same place, and help them fall into a hot new body, too! Included will be short tips to eating and health, etc. I know how to get there, i just have to DO it. It will also be part of my son's home schooling projects, covering videography, health, and PE. and it will be a great example for all of my kids. Being diligent can get you want you want, plus how to have a healthy body and a healthy body image.

I'm asking you to keep me accountable for this project... ask me how it's going... I dare you to challenge me!

On to counting my blessings, and appreciating them. The first one is my husband. We got together because our personality types were so opposite, our business professor suggested we would make a good team, provided that we appreciate and utilize the other person's strengths and weaknesses. That professor didn't know how true that would be... for the rest of our lives.

... I have so much more to say, but this insomniac is feeling sleepy! I gotta take advantage when I can, so this is a "to be continued...."

if i'm not quite myself, who am i?

Do you ever feel as if aren't quite yourself? As if you're just a click away from who you usually are? That's been me lately. I'm not a split personality... I almost wish I were, then perhaps she could take on half of my burdens, or at least be interesting company. Instead I am stuck in limbo.

The beginning of the week was great, full of plans! My daughter, Arianna, turned 6 on wednesday. I was making plans to see all sides of families. I started feeling just a bit"off" on tuesday, so i shifted a few things around. On wednesday we ran local errands, with fun, special treats at every stop. We only made it through half of my list before I started to feel groggy. The drive home kind of scared me, because I felt sleepy. I have never even been close to falling asleep at the wheel, so this feeling really alarmed me. When I arrived home, I began to not make sense. Tom thinks I may have accidentally taken a double dose of my medicine. I'm not sure.

Lately, if I over-do things, my mind and body shut down. I wonder if this was not the case, or perhaps a combination of this and the medication. Whatever the cause, I fell asleep Wednesday evening and didn't really wake up until this afternoon. And I woke up not feeling like myself.

I can also blame my bi-polar for this duplicity in my nature. I have always been quite adept at hiding the swings in my personality, I am an actor, in case any of you forgot. One of my strongest defences lately has been to simply go into hiding. If you feel that I am dodging your calls or avoiding getting together, it is probably just that I am not feeling 100% "jaymi-ish."

When I feel this way, I seem to say the wrong things; nobody seems to "get" me. I would rather say nothing than to say the wrong thing. Of course, with my brain moving at half speed, I also forget promises made and break dates planned. I ask my friends and family to be patient with me. Please don't take offense at what I say or do, or worse, what I don't do. The Bible describes one attribute of love as seeing and hoping for the best, as well as having patience. I pray that you will show me love in these ways.

Please continue to pray for me... that I may return to myself. I'm not such a bad person when I'm all here. =-)

-jay-

PS. please pray for the many people I have let down this week. I hope that I can make it up to them... especially for Arianna's other mommies, who were looking forward to seeing her this week, and it didn't happen! In trying to make a rough time better, I actually made it worse!

Also, the Kendall Family reunion is happening tomorrow (or technically, today.) This is my husband's mom's mom's family. Tom's grandmother passed away a few years ago. I believe she had 8 siblings, the Kendall kids. When I married into the family, at least 5 or 6 of them were still around. I just found out that the last one, Uncle Toad (I'm sure he has a real name, but I'll be darned if anyone knows it) passed away last saturday. It will be a good time with extended family, but it will be hard without uncle Toad. Also, Tom's mother's mental health is fading. I think tomorrow will be bitter sweet. Please pray for us as a family, but also, please pray for my mother-in-law's clarity. I would love for her to have this as a "good" day. Her name is Dr. Meredith Fieldhouse, and as far as mother-in-laws go, I doubt I could have had any better! I love her, and the Kendalls, all very much.

He who began a good work in you...

Faith without works is dead.
Works without faith are useless.

A good man (or woman) is like at strong tree, rooted in faith, established in truth, and fed by love.
He produces peace and kindness and joy and loyalty and justice.
Problems and trials are like storms and disasters that cannot kill him; instead they make him stronger.
Knowledge, wisdom and self control defend him from all kinds of dangers and tragedies.
In moderation he lives out his freedom.
Over time he learns patience, which leads to a stress-free existence.
Treating others with gentleness and respect earns him friends where ever he goes.
He makes mistakes and humbly asks for, and accepts, forgiveness.
He works hard and strives for excellence in every endeavor.
Religion is secondary to a life of service to the poor and words and deeds of encouragement to the discouraged and displaced. He seeks righteousness, but never thrusts his beliefs on others. Yet he is a testimony of his salvation by his simple words and strong actions.

I have hope that I may emulate these qualities... I am first to admit how very far away I am from this ideal. It's all about choice. I can't change the past or the crazy twists in life. I can't even change how I feel, but in every action and reaction, I have a choice. I am finding that being happy with my life comes down to my choices. What ever happens, the responsibility for myself and how I behave is purely mine.

So now I take hold of myself and push for positive changes, and I am thankful for any blessings and help along the way. I must have done somethings right, because I am surrounded by good people and a close family. Tom and I never fell in love; it simply happened, and when we realized it, we both chose to be bound together for life. Every day I choose to love him, and to love and take care of our children. Occasionally this choice is hard to make, but I grit my teeth and strive to move in the right direction. I'm sure if you ask my family, they will tell you I am not always successful, but we try.

We can't control what others do or say, but we have the power to choose to walk in Jesus' footsteps... or at least try to. Kindness to your enemies is like heaping burning coals upon their heads (and it confuses the puzookers out of them!). In the long run, the high road always wins. The best revenge is to have to great life, and that is all connected to choices we make.



I choose to change my life today, and tomorrow I will need to make that same choice again and again. Watch out world, here I come! I can't loose if I choose... (and with a little help from above, now that I love!)

I choose to love you all! Choose to have a great day!

-jay-

PS. Wednesday is Nana's b-day! And the day after is Lily's, which is why we call them the "twin cousins." I have been sick (off and on) so much that we couldn't have a big party planned, but we are trying to get all the cousins together to celebrate with a fairy princess party! First prayer request is that we can work out schedules, so all the cousins can make it. We haven't done very much all together lately, and I feel like we are losing that close family connection.

Second request is for Nana's birth-mom, who is a very sweet person, and who has become family to me. She gets very sad and lonely on this day. Please pray for comfort and peace for Mommy Seaira. Thank you!