if i'm not quite myself, who am i?

Do you ever feel as if aren't quite yourself? As if you're just a click away from who you usually are? That's been me lately. I'm not a split personality... I almost wish I were, then perhaps she could take on half of my burdens, or at least be interesting company. Instead I am stuck in limbo.

The beginning of the week was great, full of plans! My daughter, Arianna, turned 6 on wednesday. I was making plans to see all sides of families. I started feeling just a bit"off" on tuesday, so i shifted a few things around. On wednesday we ran local errands, with fun, special treats at every stop. We only made it through half of my list before I started to feel groggy. The drive home kind of scared me, because I felt sleepy. I have never even been close to falling asleep at the wheel, so this feeling really alarmed me. When I arrived home, I began to not make sense. Tom thinks I may have accidentally taken a double dose of my medicine. I'm not sure.

Lately, if I over-do things, my mind and body shut down. I wonder if this was not the case, or perhaps a combination of this and the medication. Whatever the cause, I fell asleep Wednesday evening and didn't really wake up until this afternoon. And I woke up not feeling like myself.

I can also blame my bi-polar for this duplicity in my nature. I have always been quite adept at hiding the swings in my personality, I am an actor, in case any of you forgot. One of my strongest defences lately has been to simply go into hiding. If you feel that I am dodging your calls or avoiding getting together, it is probably just that I am not feeling 100% "jaymi-ish."

When I feel this way, I seem to say the wrong things; nobody seems to "get" me. I would rather say nothing than to say the wrong thing. Of course, with my brain moving at half speed, I also forget promises made and break dates planned. I ask my friends and family to be patient with me. Please don't take offense at what I say or do, or worse, what I don't do. The Bible describes one attribute of love as seeing and hoping for the best, as well as having patience. I pray that you will show me love in these ways.

Please continue to pray for me... that I may return to myself. I'm not such a bad person when I'm all here. =-)

-jay-

PS. please pray for the many people I have let down this week. I hope that I can make it up to them... especially for Arianna's other mommies, who were looking forward to seeing her this week, and it didn't happen! In trying to make a rough time better, I actually made it worse!

Also, the Kendall Family reunion is happening tomorrow (or technically, today.) This is my husband's mom's mom's family. Tom's grandmother passed away a few years ago. I believe she had 8 siblings, the Kendall kids. When I married into the family, at least 5 or 6 of them were still around. I just found out that the last one, Uncle Toad (I'm sure he has a real name, but I'll be darned if anyone knows it) passed away last saturday. It will be a good time with extended family, but it will be hard without uncle Toad. Also, Tom's mother's mental health is fading. I think tomorrow will be bitter sweet. Please pray for us as a family, but also, please pray for my mother-in-law's clarity. I would love for her to have this as a "good" day. Her name is Dr. Meredith Fieldhouse, and as far as mother-in-laws go, I doubt I could have had any better! I love her, and the Kendalls, all very much.