feeling better...

yesterday was a rough day... and venting out here really helped. thank you for those of u who gave me such sweet words of encouragement.

here's kinda what happened: i have bi-polar and anxiety stuff (the anxiety should be gone if i get this new treatment.) i take regular medication to keep me kind of even, without losing who I am. we have a very good system set up.

what went wrong? i started the week with a bad cold; stayed in bed and didn't really eat or drink. Then i woke up with a migraine that night and couldn't sleep. By morning, i was throwing up... that was tuesday. I waited one more day to do anything because the local ER treats me like a drug adict, and my regular dr doesn't have the heavy duty stuff that can help a major migraine. I called my dr, who referred me to the er...

luckily it had been more than 30 days since i had seen them last, otherwise they wouldn't have even treated me. the er doc told me straight out that it didn't matter what my regular doc said; that's the policy. random policies are retarded, and any medical facility that does not treat individuals should go back to the USSR!

did i mention that my dr works in the same building for the same organization? i wish she'd move to another place! love my doc, hate the system!

They gave me the minimum shot (eventually) and I spent 7 hours in there waiting for relief! they finally decided to try an IV... i have 5 distinct bruises where 2 nurses tried to find a vein to put the IV in. i was dehydrated, and it did eventually help. he also put another shot into the IV, which really just makes me high for 15 minutes.

they sent me home, in about the same shape as when i had come in. thank newberg providence ER! it may be further, but i am taking the trip to mac next time!

Soooooo.... i get home, puke some more, can't sleep. Tom goes on his important business trip, which i encouraged him to go... he's missed too much work because of me! it's time for him to shine at intel, and i think he's on a good track!

today is thrusday.... i haven't really slept since monday, during the day... i can't eat... some liquid stays down, if i sip slowly.... but forget about taking any meds.

I wonder why today was the bi-polar, crazy, pissed off, roller coaster ride? No sleep, No food, No meds (that are very important, due to a basic body dependency on most of them!)

so, to those i may have pissed off, please have a little of god's grace and understand where i was. i'm still not totally well, but the meds are staying down. X marks the spot!

So what is really wrong with me? It's been a long road, and several factors have played a part. It's more of a "condition" than a specific illness. That word makes me laugh, because of a few lines I had in Bye Bye Birdie. "It's a condition. Never mind what condition, it's just a condition, and you know you can't cure a condition." Pause for guilt and sympathy.

This one has many causes:
The first is an inherited female condition that caused me to lose more blood than i could make. So for years, i've been depleting my body of not only iron, but those white blood cells that fight off illnesses, etc.

Second, from that same general area, I had a uterus that, when they finally took it out, came out in shreds! it took me 5 years, 3 regular doctors, the ER, and 7 OBGYNs to finally convince somebody that some thing was wrong! I was told by an ER doctor that I couldn't be having a ruptured ovarian cyst; I would be in more pain! I felt like grabbing his balls, twisting the around about ten times, then taking a hammer to the rest of him... cuz that's what it felt like! I'm just stoic and strong. When they finally removed the left ovary, it had so much scar tissue from rupturing cysts, that they literally had to scrape it off my bladder and other areas, but I couldn't have had rupturing ovarian cysts... stupid ER quack!

The mayo clinic people discovered I also had a deviated septum, and my turbinates (sp?) we so big they were touching. When we got home, I went into nasal surgery. They said I would sleep better... i think i might, but tom says i still snore... takes one to know one!

About 6 or 7 years ago i was in a car accident. I was rear-ended. Classic whiplash. That's when the migraines really grew bad. I also had full back pains... still do. They tried an aggressive series of cortisol steroid shots, but that knocked out the remainder of my immune system, and scrambled my chemicals in my brain so much, i ended up spending over 2 weeks in the loony bin!

Add now some powerful psych drugs to get me back to "normal." i realize now how harsh some of those were, and their effects will last forever. The main thing there is memory loss. I forget my children's names... or the word for that thing that washes the clothes... ugh.

And going way back... i was anorexic in middle and high school, so several key developments and hormonal balances were disturbed. It's part of why I have a hard time losing weight (in a healthy manner) today.

I think the car accident did some damage to my hypothalamus... i have been asking to see and endocrinologist for years. I finally did a bunch of research on my own and convinced my regular dr to refer me. The crazy part about that is that i don't need a referral for my insurance to pay for it, but I couldn't get a specialist to look at me without one!

The testing came out showing that I am an excellent candidate for human growth hormone treatment, and not those scam supplements... the real deal from a specialist at OHSU. It's kind of a controversial treatment, because many athletes and the rich and famous use it as a fountain of youth. Those positive side effects would be nice, but I really am needing that boost to get back to normal. I may only need them for a while, or this may be my life long thing, and it does have some side effects I need to keep an eye out for... but at this point, the benefits outweigh those concerns. Also, it is VERY expensive, so I need to jump through the correct hoops to get insurance to pay for it!

So that's the health up-date. I was able to take my medication, and I am starting to feel better. I still miss having a close support system, but I'm making it... good night............

-jay-

ps. at the bottom of this blog is a button for my buddy arron's stuff. he's pretty miserable right now, and unless a miracle happens, his medical insurance will run out in january... not to mention that he has to eat, pay rent, etc. just a month ago, his wife lost her job. if all me FB friends just gave 10 dollars each, that would make almost seven thousand dollars! do you have ten to spare? click on his link below and DONATE! please. 4got 2 mention, he's dying of cancer, soon if he doesn't have med ins!

mini post (a sad little bitchy post!)

just a little cry for sympathy... or a crazy rant. u decide. or better yet, if u get your feelings hurt often, don't read this.

i'm turning 40 this month (i'm too depressed to even call it 39th, blah blah blah.) i can't have people over to my shit-trap i call a house right now! and i can't commit to being anywhere, so no pretense of a party... i'm not asking for one; just bitching! i never know how i'm gonna feel..... so planning anything would be a joke!

we get to go to eagle crest for thanksgiving with family. i think i'll make that, but i'll probably get in trouble for being sick and no fun. i'm not the only person who is sick and tired of me being sick and tired. i can hardly handle it myself, how can i ask others to? my b-day is that sunday... we will spend it driving home. (if u plan to rob us, good effing luck!)

my FB friends have helped me thru this hard time. i would be back in the loony bin if it weren't for these on-line life lines. i think i would be dead if it weren't for my children... i never want them to feel that they weren't worth sticking around for. even if i think someone else would be better for them, i know that they need ME for some reason.

i used to be an awesome mom... i think i spent more time at the schools than most of the staff. i coached soccer (these days i can't even get there to watch half of the time!) now alex and taven take care of me! i feel like i've let them down so much!

the girls have come a long way, but their development, especially haley's, stalled when i started to get really sick. for some reason, this is where they are supposed to be. i have so many ideals that i am not living up to. i am so disappointed. at least 2 psych people have told me that they can't get better until i do. my own dr said i should be up with my kids, "unless you are on the operating table." not joking; she let me know all the problems my family is having is due to me. i wonder why i haven't been back to see her...

yet, who am i to complain? i have people in my life dying of cancer, dealing with real mental problems like PTSD (ps... thank you to our vets, today and every day!) why can't i just buck up and get better? i know people who suffer from migraines who aren't down for weeks, running to the ER, have actual JOBS! (important person unnamed) thinks chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia (sp?) are just made up stuff... i'm sure she's not the only one. i think they're code words for "the dr have effing idea what is wrong with you!" i also know i have them both and they suck. pretty sure she doesn't believe in migraines, bi-polar, medication, or being sick! it's not allowed!

if i would just eat healthier and get some exercise, maybe i would get well! but at this point, all that feels good is eating, what ever sounds good and will stay down. one of my biggest personal fears is to be fat... i passed fat last year! i am obese!!! my wii tells me so every time i try to exercise on it! what adult lets the wii make her cry?

i see a specialist next month... i had hoped this would be my answer, but now i'm just thinking that i'll be adding "poking myself with a needle every day, may twice a day" to the list of crap that fills my life. it took my years and 7 "specialists" to get a rotting (literally) uterus, and an exploding ovary so full of scar tissue, they had to scrape it off of my bladder and other organs, out of me. did it help? not really...

i don't need stomach stapling... i hardly eat. i'm cold and hot... when was the last time i was comfortable? can't remember. i can't get my house clean... i never finish a project.

that reminds me... since i was little, i have made and purchased special gifts for my whole family... extended, all. i have spent my b-day money (when i was a kid) every year to get things for others. it's the best part of xmas. i was TOLD this year that we were doing homemade gifts and fewer of them... don't buy a bunch of crap. a few years ago, my extended family told me that they only wanted to get gifts for their immediate family.... not everybody like we've done for over 40 years. Don't tell me who the hell i can and cannot give gifts to! how DARE you tell me how to give my gifts! this year i can hardly function, but i've been told to make stuff, not to purchase gifts... SCREW THEM! i'm staying home! wait, i know what i'll MAKE them (just remind me not to flush!)

now i'm sure i have pissed off most of my remaining support system, but who cares! i'm here alone with no help anyway, so WHO CARES????

tomorrow i may erase this, not sure... but for now i am tired and angry and in pain and i just need to let it out! this is not a request for help... just a rant. i'll be back to "normal" soon.

how's that for honest?
-jay-

ps... pray, if u think it will help.

kids and family, part 2...

part 2...
The call came while I was sitting in the middle of the almost finished pink and purple bedroom. We aren't supposed to know the details of the actual meeting, but our case was so unusual, she told us about it. The choice came down between us and one other family. Three committee members, one voted for us, another one for the other family. The last one asked to hear ALL the info again; it took an extra hour for them to decide... to give the three girls to the other family.

I know the miscarriages hurt more, but I don't remember crying as hard about anything in my whole life. Why did God draw me to them, only to crush me again? I knew we would go on and find the right girls, but for that moment, I grieved... maybe for all of my girls I never got to raise. I still pray for those three girls; I discovered later that the oldest girl ended up in a children's psych unit for a while, and I believe she is back with her foster parents now, which is probably where she should have been all along.

I have discovered a few things working with DHS here in Oregon; the main thing is that foster families, the good ones, tend to get a raw deal! I will go into detail some other day, but this is a system (one of many) that rewards the bad and uses up the good people. You only get rewarded if the child you are in charge of remains "special needs." And if you are great at being a foster parent, forget about trying to adopt! I've seen several examples of this, in just the short time we were involved. I know at least one high level person in the Hillsboro DHS offices who has lied (on the witness stand) several times, effecting the outcome of at least three adoptions. When I have the time to do more research, I will name names! The strangest thing about my feelings about DHS, is that they have worked to our advantage (because we were never really foster parents.) Through this person's manipulation, we were able to adopt the daughters that we have now. I'm getting ahead of my story...

I didn't let any grass grow under my feet before jumping right back on that horse! (cool double metaphor!) After seeing the need right here in Oregon, we didn't even look at adopting anyone besides sisters who needed families right here! There are hundreds of kids in the Portland area waiting for families to love them. We looked through books and books of kids, plus websites, and individual sibling groups that Beth brought to our attention. I fell in love (again!) when I saw these two little button nosed pixies in a report that claimed the oldest one was at least partially delayed, probably retarded... I took one look at those smart eyes looking out from that picture and had to strenuously disagree! (for the record, I was RIGHT!!!)

We started the process again. There are always hurdles in these cases, and you can never be for sure until you have those signed adoption papers in your hand. The first question was if we were willing to take on a "delayed" child, who might need life-long assistance. It was something to be carefully considered, just in case I was wrong.

This is part of the process that is weird: you never meet the children face to face until you are selected to be their parents... I understand the desire not to make the children feel as if they are on display or rejected, but it makes it hard to decide if this is the right child for your family. For us it was easier, we have faith, and God is in control. I'm not sure how those without faith do it.

The little one also had her own issues of insecurity. She was not "free" yet, which meant that we could go through committee, get the girls, and still have a judge decide to give her back to her biological parents. Because of this, we had to make a big leap of faith and hope that we wouldn't be heart-broken again.

We went to committee, were selected by them, and went to meet our new girls. Taven says they were his birthday gift that year.

(getting tired... gonna finish this up next time....to be continued...)

-jay-

PS. still sick......... nasty, achy, sick! and i feel like whining about it!