Journey to our real family, part one...

WARNING: graphic "woman" stuff in this installment...

Christmas of 2003 was an exciting time. Both Heather, my baby brother's wife, and I announced that we were pregnant, with matching due dates! Super cool! It was a big surprise. During the opening of gifts, Jeff and Heather gave "Grandma Jan" a stuffed teddy bear she could share with her "new grandchild." Of course we all cheered and cried and hugged! Heather and I (and Jeff and Tom) had wanted to surprise everybody, so we had kept it a secret just between the four of us... or as good of a secret as Heather can keep! :^)

Since this was Jeff and Heather's first Baby, we wanted to let them go first and get that cool reaction. A bit later in the gift opening session (it takes us about 5 to 8 hours to open gifts, and I love it!) "Grandma Jan" opened another gift from santa that had 2 matching tiny baby jammies, for "both of her new grand-babies." It was labeled for baby Heidrick and baby Fieldhouse. It took a couple seconds for everybody to realize what that meant... then came more crying, cheering, hugging, etc.

It sucked when I lost the baby in January. I was visiting my parents and taking some senior portraits for a couple of the Roseburg youth group guys (love them!) It was just at my 9th week... out of the "danger zone," as most miscarriages happen in those first 9 weeks, often before the mother even realizes she is pregnant.

When I started "spotting" I knew I was losing another baby. I had gone through another miscarriage between Bubba and Taven. This pregnancy was several more weeks along than my first experience, but I didn't go to the ER. The ultrasound (a week before I went to my parents' house) had showed that the baby hadn't fully grown to 81/2 weeks. She looked more like 5 or 6 weeks, so it wasn't a total surprise that I was losing her. This was more physically painful than the first time, and I even went through a "mini-labor."

I wasn't sure sure what to do with the little round blob that would have grown to be my third child. I call her my lost daughter. I'm still unsure of my decision to wrap it up and throw it away. I was in no state to make those kind of choices, and I do believe that a body is empty without a soul; I plan to leave my body to be donated where it would do the best good, perhaps to help save lives with organs and other spare parts, or as a learning tool at OHSU. Burn up the rest, cuz I ain't livin' there no more!

I spent the early morning hours alone in the up-stairs guest bathroom, going between toilet and shower. I eventually called out, and Bubba came into the bathroom. He's such a trouper! He was about 7-years-old. After I explained what was happening, he asked how he could help. Tom had stayed home to work, so I was visiting alone with the boys. I asked him to go down and tell grandma Jan what was happening.

I think Jan was more startled by my appearance than Bubba had been. I was on my knees in the shower, and blood was flowing down the drain. I assured her there was nothing she could do. It was very early, so I sent her back to bed, taking Bubba and Tave with her. She often came to check on me, but I had to do it on my own, on-one could do anything to help.

The rest is hazy... I'm not sure how long I stayed at my parent's house. Days? I'm pretty sure it wasn't a week. Eventually I had laid back down and fell asleep. I am grateful I had my family to help with the boys. I'm sure I called Tom at some point. He was more philosophical, as usual. What is meant to be will be, etc.

As many times as I am told it's not anything that I did, I still kept wondering if I could have saved Tiegan (yes, I named her) if I had started on bed-rest as soon as we saw the abnormal ultrasound. This is, of course, pure crazy talk, because the ultrasound had been an indication that the baby had died weeks ago. Logic means very little at these points in our lives.

Jeff and Heather were living in the basement apartment of my parents' house, so Heather came to me as soon as she heard. She was so devastated for me and so supportive. It was hard not to feel a bit resentful, which is horrid, even to write it now, but I've promised to be open and truthful. Her pregnancy had been very unexpected; they had only been married less than a year and had planned to wait a while. Meanwhile, I felt like our surprise was really long over-due. Taven was already three, and I had wanted several more children.

I am honest enough to admit a flash of "why me" flittered through my mind. In retrospect, I see the plan, and god's work. I'm not sure why I had to lose my Tiegan, but had she been born, we would not have found our other daughters. Also, my niece, Lily, is one of the great joys in my life. She is the most like me, so far, among the cousins. She's my consolation prize, and I wouldn't trade her for anything!

I have never been pregnant again (that I know of.) It's common phenomenon for women who have just had a miscarriage to believe that every time their period comes, they've lost another baby, especially if she is trying to get pregnant again. Praise god, the dollar store sells pregnancy tests, or we may have gone broke that next year. We had not been trying to have a baby, but this had opened that discussion again. Eventually we agreed to try again, and again, etc.

Nothing was happening... I had even had a positive result on a regular (expensive) test, but the blood work and pee test at the doctor's office showed nothing. Another disappointment.

Tom and I had started discussing adoption at our pre-marital counseling; it was always on the table, but we never felt the timing had been right.

We happened to have just become good friends with Beth, who worked at an adoption agency. She has two biological children and three adopted children. Her adopted children are black (I've been told it's okay to say that now.) Her agency did interracial adoptions, so I was keen on that idea. We started looking more earnestly into it. All this while, still trying to get a baby the old-fashioned way.

Beth's specific job was focused on adopting children from Oregon's foster-care system. Just to be polite, I looked at her web site... and fell in love! Three little african-american girls! Ages 3,4, &6. I thought that having older kids would fill in the gap between Taven, who was 6 by then, and a baby. The sisters were split between two foster homes.

At this point, some of you may be confused... have no fear, your eyes have not deceived you; we only have 2 girls, and they are white. Of course, nothing about this could be simple.

The way this system works, is that a professional comes and does a very in-depth home-study. When we passed our home-study, then we put in our application to be considered for those particular children. If their case worker picks us, then we and 1 to 3 other applicants go to committee. That is where a committee of 3 registered professionals read our information, plus a personally written paper as to why we would be the perfect home for these girls. They hear testimony from the case worker for the children, the case worker for each family, and the foster families. Then the committee chooses which family suits the needs of the children best. I love that it focuses on the welfare of the children, and not the other way around.

I had started painting a girl's room when I heard we were going to committee. The actual event happened a couple weeks later, so I had the room mostly finished when I heard back from our case-worker. Each wall was a different shade of pink or purple. One wall is split between light purple and a soft green. Then I painted the ceiling with all 4 pinks and purples, using a sponge, so it looked like clouds of cotton candy.

(to be continued...)

Sorry guys, but this has taken 4-ever 2 write! I'll fill in the rest soon, but I wanted to post something for now.

PS. continue to pray for my health!!! I am now past due to hear from the specialist, which really means any day I'll find out if they will take me on. I KNOW this is the right thing for me, so now it's just up to finding the right specialist. this is usually the part where I ask for prayer for others, but I'm gonna be selfish and ask for me today! i am very sick with a bad cold and migraine! i'm miserable! =-(

religion... this otta b fun!

As a child and teen, I was very religious and active in the church. I have known and loved God for as long as I can remember. If you want to know the day I repeated back the "magic" ask-jesus-into-your-heart prayer; that was when I was 6 at an afternoon Bible club at Debbie Ritter's house, but I believe that my faith in Christ goes back further than that. My faith has always been my own, not because of my family (although that helped!) or any other pressures. I did buy into the ritual, the programs and doctrines and even the self-righteous judgment of church and religion. Before this goes any further, I want to say that I love the foundation my family and the conservative baptist church gave me. I just have a new out-look, plus an opinion or two on the corruption that can come with religion. Remember that it was the super righteous, religious leader who had Jesus crucified...


My faith has not changed... God is my God, and that's that.... if anything it is deeper, stronger.

BUT... I am not very "religious" these days. We rarely attend a church on sunday mornings, and we have yet to find a church nearby that we want to attend. This has very little to do with the churches themselves, rather it has more to do with my poor health, combined with laziness and some shyness. It is strange to walk into a new place of worship... what are the customs and norms? how should we dress? and why in the world do we have to meet in the morning???

I miss our home church. But even when we were meeting here, there was always something missing... sometimes it was music, other times it was simply that I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING and the others were being dragged along. It became too heavy, so we stopped meeting. I wish someone else would have taken the reigns and continued the work, but I see now that I am not skilled at making disciples among my peers. Give me anybody under the age of 18, and I'm a wiz... but I have never been good at teaching leadership to those my own age, whom may even follow my leading. Thinking about it now, it is really the Holy Spirit who causes someone to come forward to become a leader, to take that next step. Perhaps I am being both too hard on myself and presumptuous, to believe that I was the one really in charge of developing gifts and leadership in others. Either way, that ministry is gone now, and I wait for my next direction.

As I am feeling more human every day, I feel the need to do some research, some probing into where God would have us worship, minister, and receive the blessings and support of being in a family and a group of Christian friends who challenge and care for us. I am looking for that healthy group of real people and an authentic experience of worship and sharing.

To be honest, I have some issues with the basic structure of most modern christian churches. I despise "church speak." Why are the benches called pews? Why do people put such an emphasis on "the pulpit" and what is spoken when behind it? Don't they know that this structure was introduced from the pagan forms of worship to appease the locals into becoming "Christians?" And what happened to fun? Why can't adult church be more like youth group? Three generations have fallen away from the church, usually happening after they graduate from the youth group... some may stay if you have a good young singles group, but as soon as you stick us in those "pews," we want out! I'm see this trend continue, but the new forms of church and worship are developing and drawing in those who don't do "church." I hope to be part of that movement!

And what is with the power-tripping head pastors? The definition of a pastor is one who cares for and tends to the children of god. Like the True Shepherd, they are to follow Jesus' example of humility and love. I believe this is often different from the person who has the gift of preaching and/ or teaching. And both of those people may not have the gift of evangelism. These things are why we have a body of many people with many gifts, but in our modern churches, usually only the paid staff is in control and doing all the work. A healthy body uses all it's parts, and honors them as equals. The structure I have seen is that the pastor is in charge of the church, perhaps with an elders board (often women are not allowed on this board.)

As a youth pastor's kid I have seen behind the curtain; the great and powerful Oz is a fraud. I don't mean God; He is everything you can dream of and more... He's amazing and real as real can be! The wrench in the system is the guy standing up front, pretending his shit don't stink. They call people into their private chambers to condemn and judge as if this was what God had called them to do. This example is not specific to any one incident... I have stories from back when I was a kid, and I have stories from just this last year. Often, as is usually the case of any person who takes it upon himself to judge others, that person has even bigger problems and issues. Brings to mind a verse about a speck vs. a log in people's eyes... I have seen too much to respect someone's authority just because he has a title.

The Quakers (the North West Yearly Meeting of Evangelical Friends) that I associate with seem to have the best ideal behind their church organization... we have "released" ministers, meaning they are paid and released from having another job, so they can work at the church and other ministries full-time. They are also "recorded" ministers, but some recorded ministers are not paid, such as Tom and I. We were the pastors of our home church, but that was an unusual church, even for the Quakers. We were a group of misfits, who gathered at our house for dinner and worship sunday evenings. We called it family church, because the kids stayed together with the adults, doing worship activities that included the whole family.

The best example of a true, gifted pastor and teacher, is Mike Huber of West Hills Friends Church. He takes the time to know the people in the church. He encourages others to minister. The ideal philosophy is that we are all ministers called to serve in what ever capacity God has given us to share, and to use our gifts and talents to minister to each other. Mike has the attitude of humility and the heart to serve, even though he is one of the smartest, wisest people I have ever met. If anyone has reason to be full of himself, it would be Mike, who has his degree from Princeton, has been a pastor at the same church for almost 20 years - a church that he helped grow from almost nothing. And yet, he does not do anything without the approval of all of the people in the church. He is only one voice, equal to those around him. He is authentic and transparent, never pretending to be anything else. I adire him very much.

Also, the Quakers have a cool process for conducting church business meetings. First of all, they are still called meetings for worship. At WHF, they pray and have a time of silence before the meeting, to center down and be listening for God's leading. They don't vote; all must be in agreement, or it doesn't happen. Doesn't that sound crazy? Even more crazy, is that it works. Business gets passed, all people are satisfied and it is a process that honors everybody's rights and feelings.

So why haven't we found a church here in this area? Funny fact: when I attended George Fox in the '90's, Newberg had the most churches per capita (sp?) in the whole country (maybe even world, I'm not sure.) The one church we have visited is the church that Tom's parents and brother now attend. They had been founding members of West Hill, but they got old and moved to Newberg. That's what all good north west Quakers do... you live once here for college. Then you come back to live in the manor when you get old.

Sorry, I got distracted and didn't even answer the question that began that last paragraph. We don't really feel that we fit in at his parents' church, although the pastor there is also one of those few pastors I admire and enjoy knowing. It just hasn't clicked, so I know we need to search some more. We've had tons of offers and suggestions... which takes me back to the beginning of this ramble; I've been sick, we're busy and tired (or lazy,) and WHY? Why does it have to be in the morning... those of you with PM church meetings, give us your info! =-)

My request to you, dear reader, (I've always wanted to write that!) is that you pray for us, and continue to invite us to visit your churches, etc. For those of you who don't believe in prayer, or church, or even God... wow, you're still reading? Thank you for letting me ramble. What ever your beliefs and faith, you know that I adore you all! I love God first and most, but religion can go jump in a lake if it stands between you and me!

Have a great rest of the week... hopefully, I'll ramble again B4 halloween, but if I don't, then have a happy halloween, happy all saints day, happy day of the dead, happy harvest, and happy united nations day!

<3>

PS. I have a Dr apt 2day... pray that we move 4word w/ a new idea i have. And a big thank you to those of u who continue 2 pray 4 me! u r such a blessing 2 me! (haha, that sounded kinda "church-talk"ish... but i like the word blessing.) C ya!

Old friends are New friends

I LOVE my friends!

I'm embarrassed to say that my mom was on Face Book before I was. It took most of my immediate family to convince me to check it out about 2 years ago... now I have about 675 friends! And I love them... I've had people ask how I could know that many people and how I could keep up with that many people.

The second question is easy to answer: I don't... I wish I did, but my "friends" fluctuate randomly. I lose a friend and I have no idea who dumped me. When I notice I've lost someone, I get bummed. Even when I can't figure out who dropped out, it still makes me sad, because I really do love my FB friends.

My FB friends helped me out of a rough time in my life, when the WEB was my only social outlet. Most are old friends, but a few I have never even met. I happened to get on FB just before my 20th high school reunions, so that let me be involved in both reunions. I was especially excited to find my old Roosevelt buddies (sorry Springfield friends, I love you, too!) I moved abruptly in the middle of high school, during the summer between Sophomore and Junior years, and I hadn't had a chance to even say good bye to most of them. Now I get invites to go and do stuff with friends I haven't seen in 25 years. What a blast!

That leads back to the first question: how do I know so many people? Besides family, I think my oldest friends out here are from when my dad was in the Air force, around the time I was born. Our families kept in touch and used to visit each other on vacations. Then we lived in Redmond for a while (not sure if I still have anyone from there.) Then came Roseburg, where I went to Kindergarten and most of grade school. Also during this time, my parents worked with the church youth group for 7(ish) years, cycling through 2 full youth groups (in Roseburg, High School was only 10th, 11th, and 12th grades.) I recently added a bunch of the old Roseburg gang to my friends list while hunting down people to invite to my dad's retirement party. It's fun to reconnect with a group of people who had a huge impact on my life!

In 5th grade I attended three different schools, as my parents got settled in Portland. I know I have FB friends from all three schools, which is pretty cool. (let me just add here that I checked my FB just now and had a friend request from someone I knew in grade school!) Then I moved to George for middle school (before it was only a middle school.) Two years at Roosevelt High and two at Springfield. Plus a degree from George Fox, earned over a period of five years, and a semester at Lame Community College, add in 5 summer missions trips, jobs, and three more youth groups with my parents' churches after I had moved... I'm sure I'm leaving out a chunk of people.... oh yeah, all my ex-boyfriends! Just kidding... there aren't that many of them out here!

I have always had my close friends (you know who you are,) but was never exclusive to a clique or certain group. That can also explain the number of friends. When I was young, I remember my dad telling people that anyone I met became my friend... I think he was right. You have to go out of your way to make me not like you. And even then, it only takes a small gesture to be friends again.

So now we have this new way of staying in touch. It seems as though my old friends are really becoming my new friends, now as adults (well, some of you are adults.) I enjoy seeing the people you have become. You bring my past into my present, and I love you for it!

I love to hear from my friends, so feel free to comment or become a follower out here!
-jaymi-

ps... my buddy aaron is getting sicker, and as we prepare to say good bye to this amazing person, I want to remind you put feet to your words and donate what you can, to help him and his wife (who was recently laid off) make earthly ends meet as he meets with his end on this earth. His blog is linked at the bottom of this one... just click and read his story and press the "donate" button.