Journey to our real family, part one...

WARNING: graphic "woman" stuff in this installment...

Christmas of 2003 was an exciting time. Both Heather, my baby brother's wife, and I announced that we were pregnant, with matching due dates! Super cool! It was a big surprise. During the opening of gifts, Jeff and Heather gave "Grandma Jan" a stuffed teddy bear she could share with her "new grandchild." Of course we all cheered and cried and hugged! Heather and I (and Jeff and Tom) had wanted to surprise everybody, so we had kept it a secret just between the four of us... or as good of a secret as Heather can keep! :^)

Since this was Jeff and Heather's first Baby, we wanted to let them go first and get that cool reaction. A bit later in the gift opening session (it takes us about 5 to 8 hours to open gifts, and I love it!) "Grandma Jan" opened another gift from santa that had 2 matching tiny baby jammies, for "both of her new grand-babies." It was labeled for baby Heidrick and baby Fieldhouse. It took a couple seconds for everybody to realize what that meant... then came more crying, cheering, hugging, etc.

It sucked when I lost the baby in January. I was visiting my parents and taking some senior portraits for a couple of the Roseburg youth group guys (love them!) It was just at my 9th week... out of the "danger zone," as most miscarriages happen in those first 9 weeks, often before the mother even realizes she is pregnant.

When I started "spotting" I knew I was losing another baby. I had gone through another miscarriage between Bubba and Taven. This pregnancy was several more weeks along than my first experience, but I didn't go to the ER. The ultrasound (a week before I went to my parents' house) had showed that the baby hadn't fully grown to 81/2 weeks. She looked more like 5 or 6 weeks, so it wasn't a total surprise that I was losing her. This was more physically painful than the first time, and I even went through a "mini-labor."

I wasn't sure sure what to do with the little round blob that would have grown to be my third child. I call her my lost daughter. I'm still unsure of my decision to wrap it up and throw it away. I was in no state to make those kind of choices, and I do believe that a body is empty without a soul; I plan to leave my body to be donated where it would do the best good, perhaps to help save lives with organs and other spare parts, or as a learning tool at OHSU. Burn up the rest, cuz I ain't livin' there no more!

I spent the early morning hours alone in the up-stairs guest bathroom, going between toilet and shower. I eventually called out, and Bubba came into the bathroom. He's such a trouper! He was about 7-years-old. After I explained what was happening, he asked how he could help. Tom had stayed home to work, so I was visiting alone with the boys. I asked him to go down and tell grandma Jan what was happening.

I think Jan was more startled by my appearance than Bubba had been. I was on my knees in the shower, and blood was flowing down the drain. I assured her there was nothing she could do. It was very early, so I sent her back to bed, taking Bubba and Tave with her. She often came to check on me, but I had to do it on my own, on-one could do anything to help.

The rest is hazy... I'm not sure how long I stayed at my parent's house. Days? I'm pretty sure it wasn't a week. Eventually I had laid back down and fell asleep. I am grateful I had my family to help with the boys. I'm sure I called Tom at some point. He was more philosophical, as usual. What is meant to be will be, etc.

As many times as I am told it's not anything that I did, I still kept wondering if I could have saved Tiegan (yes, I named her) if I had started on bed-rest as soon as we saw the abnormal ultrasound. This is, of course, pure crazy talk, because the ultrasound had been an indication that the baby had died weeks ago. Logic means very little at these points in our lives.

Jeff and Heather were living in the basement apartment of my parents' house, so Heather came to me as soon as she heard. She was so devastated for me and so supportive. It was hard not to feel a bit resentful, which is horrid, even to write it now, but I've promised to be open and truthful. Her pregnancy had been very unexpected; they had only been married less than a year and had planned to wait a while. Meanwhile, I felt like our surprise was really long over-due. Taven was already three, and I had wanted several more children.

I am honest enough to admit a flash of "why me" flittered through my mind. In retrospect, I see the plan, and god's work. I'm not sure why I had to lose my Tiegan, but had she been born, we would not have found our other daughters. Also, my niece, Lily, is one of the great joys in my life. She is the most like me, so far, among the cousins. She's my consolation prize, and I wouldn't trade her for anything!

I have never been pregnant again (that I know of.) It's common phenomenon for women who have just had a miscarriage to believe that every time their period comes, they've lost another baby, especially if she is trying to get pregnant again. Praise god, the dollar store sells pregnancy tests, or we may have gone broke that next year. We had not been trying to have a baby, but this had opened that discussion again. Eventually we agreed to try again, and again, etc.

Nothing was happening... I had even had a positive result on a regular (expensive) test, but the blood work and pee test at the doctor's office showed nothing. Another disappointment.

Tom and I had started discussing adoption at our pre-marital counseling; it was always on the table, but we never felt the timing had been right.

We happened to have just become good friends with Beth, who worked at an adoption agency. She has two biological children and three adopted children. Her adopted children are black (I've been told it's okay to say that now.) Her agency did interracial adoptions, so I was keen on that idea. We started looking more earnestly into it. All this while, still trying to get a baby the old-fashioned way.

Beth's specific job was focused on adopting children from Oregon's foster-care system. Just to be polite, I looked at her web site... and fell in love! Three little african-american girls! Ages 3,4, &6. I thought that having older kids would fill in the gap between Taven, who was 6 by then, and a baby. The sisters were split between two foster homes.

At this point, some of you may be confused... have no fear, your eyes have not deceived you; we only have 2 girls, and they are white. Of course, nothing about this could be simple.

The way this system works, is that a professional comes and does a very in-depth home-study. When we passed our home-study, then we put in our application to be considered for those particular children. If their case worker picks us, then we and 1 to 3 other applicants go to committee. That is where a committee of 3 registered professionals read our information, plus a personally written paper as to why we would be the perfect home for these girls. They hear testimony from the case worker for the children, the case worker for each family, and the foster families. Then the committee chooses which family suits the needs of the children best. I love that it focuses on the welfare of the children, and not the other way around.

I had started painting a girl's room when I heard we were going to committee. The actual event happened a couple weeks later, so I had the room mostly finished when I heard back from our case-worker. Each wall was a different shade of pink or purple. One wall is split between light purple and a soft green. Then I painted the ceiling with all 4 pinks and purples, using a sponge, so it looked like clouds of cotton candy.

(to be continued...)

Sorry guys, but this has taken 4-ever 2 write! I'll fill in the rest soon, but I wanted to post something for now.

PS. continue to pray for my health!!! I am now past due to hear from the specialist, which really means any day I'll find out if they will take me on. I KNOW this is the right thing for me, so now it's just up to finding the right specialist. this is usually the part where I ask for prayer for others, but I'm gonna be selfish and ask for me today! i am very sick with a bad cold and migraine! i'm miserable! =-(