a light at the end of the...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Are you all as tired as I am of hearing about my health. It's amazing how it affects the rest of my life.

Tonight is new years eve... my number one resolution is to get well. I will push and shove and scream and annoy to get my doctors and specialists to listen to me and put me on the best path to total healing. There is no reason why I can't live a healthy and active life. It will just take some hard work this year to get there.

My first tattoo is an overlapping comedy over tragedy masks picture with the words, "choose joy," on the back of my left calf. I have a dear friend from high school, who was involved in theater with me, both in school and at church. He is coming to the end of his young life due to cancer. His motto has been, "choose joy." He also enjoys tattoos, so I thought this would be a great first tattoo. I even went to his tattoo artist, who also is an old friend from high school.

Greg is an amazing tattoo artist, and an even better friend. He is now working on my second tattoo, and in the course of chatting during my sessions, he suggested that i look into growth hormone replacement.

*insert... my eldest son is a brat!!! (an hour later, i changed my mind when he made me crepes for dinner.)

Back to Greg and his great idea, but first, this message from our sponsors: Cry Baby Ink, in Valley River Mall in Eugene, is a fabulous place! Shop for cool clothes, piercing jewelry, and clean professional tattoo artists with a lot of talent! Ask for Greg, the owner and a true artist!

I did some research on the internet regarding human growth hormone treatment. There are plenty of charlatans out there with "natural" supplements, and there are many people who use the real deal just to look young or to boost their athletic ability. Weed out all of that, HGH is used to treat people who meet the criteria. So far, I could be the poster child for growth hormone deficiency.

My general practitioner contacted several places and ran the preliminary test. We eventually found a doctor who dealt with adult HGH (it's usually used on children.) On our first visit, I really liked him, and he seemed to really not only understand me, but was looking for a way to get me the HGH if my insurance either balks at paying or takes it's time. Now I am waiting for his assistant to call and set up the appointment for the final test. After that... on to a cure for my conditions and syndromes. ?

Now I wait..... I'm not good at that! keep praying! thank you, friends!

We did not get xmas cards out this year, so expect an update when we have something to update... and i have the energy to do them!

-jaymi-

PS. please pray for my friend's baby, Zanya Grace. She was not even supposed to survive childbirth; she is now over a week old! Her limbs are very small, but the life-threatening parts are her under-developed thorax and her weak bones. pray for strength... for her and her parents, Christina and Ernesto (known as nanana and nestero around our house.)

feeling better...

yesterday was a rough day... and venting out here really helped. thank you for those of u who gave me such sweet words of encouragement.

here's kinda what happened: i have bi-polar and anxiety stuff (the anxiety should be gone if i get this new treatment.) i take regular medication to keep me kind of even, without losing who I am. we have a very good system set up.

what went wrong? i started the week with a bad cold; stayed in bed and didn't really eat or drink. Then i woke up with a migraine that night and couldn't sleep. By morning, i was throwing up... that was tuesday. I waited one more day to do anything because the local ER treats me like a drug adict, and my regular dr doesn't have the heavy duty stuff that can help a major migraine. I called my dr, who referred me to the er...

luckily it had been more than 30 days since i had seen them last, otherwise they wouldn't have even treated me. the er doc told me straight out that it didn't matter what my regular doc said; that's the policy. random policies are retarded, and any medical facility that does not treat individuals should go back to the USSR!

did i mention that my dr works in the same building for the same organization? i wish she'd move to another place! love my doc, hate the system!

They gave me the minimum shot (eventually) and I spent 7 hours in there waiting for relief! they finally decided to try an IV... i have 5 distinct bruises where 2 nurses tried to find a vein to put the IV in. i was dehydrated, and it did eventually help. he also put another shot into the IV, which really just makes me high for 15 minutes.

they sent me home, in about the same shape as when i had come in. thank newberg providence ER! it may be further, but i am taking the trip to mac next time!

Soooooo.... i get home, puke some more, can't sleep. Tom goes on his important business trip, which i encouraged him to go... he's missed too much work because of me! it's time for him to shine at intel, and i think he's on a good track!

today is thrusday.... i haven't really slept since monday, during the day... i can't eat... some liquid stays down, if i sip slowly.... but forget about taking any meds.

I wonder why today was the bi-polar, crazy, pissed off, roller coaster ride? No sleep, No food, No meds (that are very important, due to a basic body dependency on most of them!)

so, to those i may have pissed off, please have a little of god's grace and understand where i was. i'm still not totally well, but the meds are staying down. X marks the spot!

So what is really wrong with me? It's been a long road, and several factors have played a part. It's more of a "condition" than a specific illness. That word makes me laugh, because of a few lines I had in Bye Bye Birdie. "It's a condition. Never mind what condition, it's just a condition, and you know you can't cure a condition." Pause for guilt and sympathy.

This one has many causes:
The first is an inherited female condition that caused me to lose more blood than i could make. So for years, i've been depleting my body of not only iron, but those white blood cells that fight off illnesses, etc.

Second, from that same general area, I had a uterus that, when they finally took it out, came out in shreds! it took me 5 years, 3 regular doctors, the ER, and 7 OBGYNs to finally convince somebody that some thing was wrong! I was told by an ER doctor that I couldn't be having a ruptured ovarian cyst; I would be in more pain! I felt like grabbing his balls, twisting the around about ten times, then taking a hammer to the rest of him... cuz that's what it felt like! I'm just stoic and strong. When they finally removed the left ovary, it had so much scar tissue from rupturing cysts, that they literally had to scrape it off my bladder and other areas, but I couldn't have had rupturing ovarian cysts... stupid ER quack!

The mayo clinic people discovered I also had a deviated septum, and my turbinates (sp?) we so big they were touching. When we got home, I went into nasal surgery. They said I would sleep better... i think i might, but tom says i still snore... takes one to know one!

About 6 or 7 years ago i was in a car accident. I was rear-ended. Classic whiplash. That's when the migraines really grew bad. I also had full back pains... still do. They tried an aggressive series of cortisol steroid shots, but that knocked out the remainder of my immune system, and scrambled my chemicals in my brain so much, i ended up spending over 2 weeks in the loony bin!

Add now some powerful psych drugs to get me back to "normal." i realize now how harsh some of those were, and their effects will last forever. The main thing there is memory loss. I forget my children's names... or the word for that thing that washes the clothes... ugh.

And going way back... i was anorexic in middle and high school, so several key developments and hormonal balances were disturbed. It's part of why I have a hard time losing weight (in a healthy manner) today.

I think the car accident did some damage to my hypothalamus... i have been asking to see and endocrinologist for years. I finally did a bunch of research on my own and convinced my regular dr to refer me. The crazy part about that is that i don't need a referral for my insurance to pay for it, but I couldn't get a specialist to look at me without one!

The testing came out showing that I am an excellent candidate for human growth hormone treatment, and not those scam supplements... the real deal from a specialist at OHSU. It's kind of a controversial treatment, because many athletes and the rich and famous use it as a fountain of youth. Those positive side effects would be nice, but I really am needing that boost to get back to normal. I may only need them for a while, or this may be my life long thing, and it does have some side effects I need to keep an eye out for... but at this point, the benefits outweigh those concerns. Also, it is VERY expensive, so I need to jump through the correct hoops to get insurance to pay for it!

So that's the health up-date. I was able to take my medication, and I am starting to feel better. I still miss having a close support system, but I'm making it... good night............

-jay-

ps. at the bottom of this blog is a button for my buddy arron's stuff. he's pretty miserable right now, and unless a miracle happens, his medical insurance will run out in january... not to mention that he has to eat, pay rent, etc. just a month ago, his wife lost her job. if all me FB friends just gave 10 dollars each, that would make almost seven thousand dollars! do you have ten to spare? click on his link below and DONATE! please. 4got 2 mention, he's dying of cancer, soon if he doesn't have med ins!

mini post (a sad little bitchy post!)

just a little cry for sympathy... or a crazy rant. u decide. or better yet, if u get your feelings hurt often, don't read this.

i'm turning 40 this month (i'm too depressed to even call it 39th, blah blah blah.) i can't have people over to my shit-trap i call a house right now! and i can't commit to being anywhere, so no pretense of a party... i'm not asking for one; just bitching! i never know how i'm gonna feel..... so planning anything would be a joke!

we get to go to eagle crest for thanksgiving with family. i think i'll make that, but i'll probably get in trouble for being sick and no fun. i'm not the only person who is sick and tired of me being sick and tired. i can hardly handle it myself, how can i ask others to? my b-day is that sunday... we will spend it driving home. (if u plan to rob us, good effing luck!)

my FB friends have helped me thru this hard time. i would be back in the loony bin if it weren't for these on-line life lines. i think i would be dead if it weren't for my children... i never want them to feel that they weren't worth sticking around for. even if i think someone else would be better for them, i know that they need ME for some reason.

i used to be an awesome mom... i think i spent more time at the schools than most of the staff. i coached soccer (these days i can't even get there to watch half of the time!) now alex and taven take care of me! i feel like i've let them down so much!

the girls have come a long way, but their development, especially haley's, stalled when i started to get really sick. for some reason, this is where they are supposed to be. i have so many ideals that i am not living up to. i am so disappointed. at least 2 psych people have told me that they can't get better until i do. my own dr said i should be up with my kids, "unless you are on the operating table." not joking; she let me know all the problems my family is having is due to me. i wonder why i haven't been back to see her...

yet, who am i to complain? i have people in my life dying of cancer, dealing with real mental problems like PTSD (ps... thank you to our vets, today and every day!) why can't i just buck up and get better? i know people who suffer from migraines who aren't down for weeks, running to the ER, have actual JOBS! (important person unnamed) thinks chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia (sp?) are just made up stuff... i'm sure she's not the only one. i think they're code words for "the dr have effing idea what is wrong with you!" i also know i have them both and they suck. pretty sure she doesn't believe in migraines, bi-polar, medication, or being sick! it's not allowed!

if i would just eat healthier and get some exercise, maybe i would get well! but at this point, all that feels good is eating, what ever sounds good and will stay down. one of my biggest personal fears is to be fat... i passed fat last year! i am obese!!! my wii tells me so every time i try to exercise on it! what adult lets the wii make her cry?

i see a specialist next month... i had hoped this would be my answer, but now i'm just thinking that i'll be adding "poking myself with a needle every day, may twice a day" to the list of crap that fills my life. it took my years and 7 "specialists" to get a rotting (literally) uterus, and an exploding ovary so full of scar tissue, they had to scrape it off of my bladder and other organs, out of me. did it help? not really...

i don't need stomach stapling... i hardly eat. i'm cold and hot... when was the last time i was comfortable? can't remember. i can't get my house clean... i never finish a project.

that reminds me... since i was little, i have made and purchased special gifts for my whole family... extended, all. i have spent my b-day money (when i was a kid) every year to get things for others. it's the best part of xmas. i was TOLD this year that we were doing homemade gifts and fewer of them... don't buy a bunch of crap. a few years ago, my extended family told me that they only wanted to get gifts for their immediate family.... not everybody like we've done for over 40 years. Don't tell me who the hell i can and cannot give gifts to! how DARE you tell me how to give my gifts! this year i can hardly function, but i've been told to make stuff, not to purchase gifts... SCREW THEM! i'm staying home! wait, i know what i'll MAKE them (just remind me not to flush!)

now i'm sure i have pissed off most of my remaining support system, but who cares! i'm here alone with no help anyway, so WHO CARES????

tomorrow i may erase this, not sure... but for now i am tired and angry and in pain and i just need to let it out! this is not a request for help... just a rant. i'll be back to "normal" soon.

how's that for honest?
-jay-

ps... pray, if u think it will help.

kids and family, part 2...

part 2...
The call came while I was sitting in the middle of the almost finished pink and purple bedroom. We aren't supposed to know the details of the actual meeting, but our case was so unusual, she told us about it. The choice came down between us and one other family. Three committee members, one voted for us, another one for the other family. The last one asked to hear ALL the info again; it took an extra hour for them to decide... to give the three girls to the other family.

I know the miscarriages hurt more, but I don't remember crying as hard about anything in my whole life. Why did God draw me to them, only to crush me again? I knew we would go on and find the right girls, but for that moment, I grieved... maybe for all of my girls I never got to raise. I still pray for those three girls; I discovered later that the oldest girl ended up in a children's psych unit for a while, and I believe she is back with her foster parents now, which is probably where she should have been all along.

I have discovered a few things working with DHS here in Oregon; the main thing is that foster families, the good ones, tend to get a raw deal! I will go into detail some other day, but this is a system (one of many) that rewards the bad and uses up the good people. You only get rewarded if the child you are in charge of remains "special needs." And if you are great at being a foster parent, forget about trying to adopt! I've seen several examples of this, in just the short time we were involved. I know at least one high level person in the Hillsboro DHS offices who has lied (on the witness stand) several times, effecting the outcome of at least three adoptions. When I have the time to do more research, I will name names! The strangest thing about my feelings about DHS, is that they have worked to our advantage (because we were never really foster parents.) Through this person's manipulation, we were able to adopt the daughters that we have now. I'm getting ahead of my story...

I didn't let any grass grow under my feet before jumping right back on that horse! (cool double metaphor!) After seeing the need right here in Oregon, we didn't even look at adopting anyone besides sisters who needed families right here! There are hundreds of kids in the Portland area waiting for families to love them. We looked through books and books of kids, plus websites, and individual sibling groups that Beth brought to our attention. I fell in love (again!) when I saw these two little button nosed pixies in a report that claimed the oldest one was at least partially delayed, probably retarded... I took one look at those smart eyes looking out from that picture and had to strenuously disagree! (for the record, I was RIGHT!!!)

We started the process again. There are always hurdles in these cases, and you can never be for sure until you have those signed adoption papers in your hand. The first question was if we were willing to take on a "delayed" child, who might need life-long assistance. It was something to be carefully considered, just in case I was wrong.

This is part of the process that is weird: you never meet the children face to face until you are selected to be their parents... I understand the desire not to make the children feel as if they are on display or rejected, but it makes it hard to decide if this is the right child for your family. For us it was easier, we have faith, and God is in control. I'm not sure how those without faith do it.

The little one also had her own issues of insecurity. She was not "free" yet, which meant that we could go through committee, get the girls, and still have a judge decide to give her back to her biological parents. Because of this, we had to make a big leap of faith and hope that we wouldn't be heart-broken again.

We went to committee, were selected by them, and went to meet our new girls. Taven says they were his birthday gift that year.

(getting tired... gonna finish this up next time....to be continued...)

-jay-

PS. still sick......... nasty, achy, sick! and i feel like whining about it!

Journey to our real family, part one...

WARNING: graphic "woman" stuff in this installment...

Christmas of 2003 was an exciting time. Both Heather, my baby brother's wife, and I announced that we were pregnant, with matching due dates! Super cool! It was a big surprise. During the opening of gifts, Jeff and Heather gave "Grandma Jan" a stuffed teddy bear she could share with her "new grandchild." Of course we all cheered and cried and hugged! Heather and I (and Jeff and Tom) had wanted to surprise everybody, so we had kept it a secret just between the four of us... or as good of a secret as Heather can keep! :^)

Since this was Jeff and Heather's first Baby, we wanted to let them go first and get that cool reaction. A bit later in the gift opening session (it takes us about 5 to 8 hours to open gifts, and I love it!) "Grandma Jan" opened another gift from santa that had 2 matching tiny baby jammies, for "both of her new grand-babies." It was labeled for baby Heidrick and baby Fieldhouse. It took a couple seconds for everybody to realize what that meant... then came more crying, cheering, hugging, etc.

It sucked when I lost the baby in January. I was visiting my parents and taking some senior portraits for a couple of the Roseburg youth group guys (love them!) It was just at my 9th week... out of the "danger zone," as most miscarriages happen in those first 9 weeks, often before the mother even realizes she is pregnant.

When I started "spotting" I knew I was losing another baby. I had gone through another miscarriage between Bubba and Taven. This pregnancy was several more weeks along than my first experience, but I didn't go to the ER. The ultrasound (a week before I went to my parents' house) had showed that the baby hadn't fully grown to 81/2 weeks. She looked more like 5 or 6 weeks, so it wasn't a total surprise that I was losing her. This was more physically painful than the first time, and I even went through a "mini-labor."

I wasn't sure sure what to do with the little round blob that would have grown to be my third child. I call her my lost daughter. I'm still unsure of my decision to wrap it up and throw it away. I was in no state to make those kind of choices, and I do believe that a body is empty without a soul; I plan to leave my body to be donated where it would do the best good, perhaps to help save lives with organs and other spare parts, or as a learning tool at OHSU. Burn up the rest, cuz I ain't livin' there no more!

I spent the early morning hours alone in the up-stairs guest bathroom, going between toilet and shower. I eventually called out, and Bubba came into the bathroom. He's such a trouper! He was about 7-years-old. After I explained what was happening, he asked how he could help. Tom had stayed home to work, so I was visiting alone with the boys. I asked him to go down and tell grandma Jan what was happening.

I think Jan was more startled by my appearance than Bubba had been. I was on my knees in the shower, and blood was flowing down the drain. I assured her there was nothing she could do. It was very early, so I sent her back to bed, taking Bubba and Tave with her. She often came to check on me, but I had to do it on my own, on-one could do anything to help.

The rest is hazy... I'm not sure how long I stayed at my parent's house. Days? I'm pretty sure it wasn't a week. Eventually I had laid back down and fell asleep. I am grateful I had my family to help with the boys. I'm sure I called Tom at some point. He was more philosophical, as usual. What is meant to be will be, etc.

As many times as I am told it's not anything that I did, I still kept wondering if I could have saved Tiegan (yes, I named her) if I had started on bed-rest as soon as we saw the abnormal ultrasound. This is, of course, pure crazy talk, because the ultrasound had been an indication that the baby had died weeks ago. Logic means very little at these points in our lives.

Jeff and Heather were living in the basement apartment of my parents' house, so Heather came to me as soon as she heard. She was so devastated for me and so supportive. It was hard not to feel a bit resentful, which is horrid, even to write it now, but I've promised to be open and truthful. Her pregnancy had been very unexpected; they had only been married less than a year and had planned to wait a while. Meanwhile, I felt like our surprise was really long over-due. Taven was already three, and I had wanted several more children.

I am honest enough to admit a flash of "why me" flittered through my mind. In retrospect, I see the plan, and god's work. I'm not sure why I had to lose my Tiegan, but had she been born, we would not have found our other daughters. Also, my niece, Lily, is one of the great joys in my life. She is the most like me, so far, among the cousins. She's my consolation prize, and I wouldn't trade her for anything!

I have never been pregnant again (that I know of.) It's common phenomenon for women who have just had a miscarriage to believe that every time their period comes, they've lost another baby, especially if she is trying to get pregnant again. Praise god, the dollar store sells pregnancy tests, or we may have gone broke that next year. We had not been trying to have a baby, but this had opened that discussion again. Eventually we agreed to try again, and again, etc.

Nothing was happening... I had even had a positive result on a regular (expensive) test, but the blood work and pee test at the doctor's office showed nothing. Another disappointment.

Tom and I had started discussing adoption at our pre-marital counseling; it was always on the table, but we never felt the timing had been right.

We happened to have just become good friends with Beth, who worked at an adoption agency. She has two biological children and three adopted children. Her adopted children are black (I've been told it's okay to say that now.) Her agency did interracial adoptions, so I was keen on that idea. We started looking more earnestly into it. All this while, still trying to get a baby the old-fashioned way.

Beth's specific job was focused on adopting children from Oregon's foster-care system. Just to be polite, I looked at her web site... and fell in love! Three little african-american girls! Ages 3,4, &6. I thought that having older kids would fill in the gap between Taven, who was 6 by then, and a baby. The sisters were split between two foster homes.

At this point, some of you may be confused... have no fear, your eyes have not deceived you; we only have 2 girls, and they are white. Of course, nothing about this could be simple.

The way this system works, is that a professional comes and does a very in-depth home-study. When we passed our home-study, then we put in our application to be considered for those particular children. If their case worker picks us, then we and 1 to 3 other applicants go to committee. That is where a committee of 3 registered professionals read our information, plus a personally written paper as to why we would be the perfect home for these girls. They hear testimony from the case worker for the children, the case worker for each family, and the foster families. Then the committee chooses which family suits the needs of the children best. I love that it focuses on the welfare of the children, and not the other way around.

I had started painting a girl's room when I heard we were going to committee. The actual event happened a couple weeks later, so I had the room mostly finished when I heard back from our case-worker. Each wall was a different shade of pink or purple. One wall is split between light purple and a soft green. Then I painted the ceiling with all 4 pinks and purples, using a sponge, so it looked like clouds of cotton candy.

(to be continued...)

Sorry guys, but this has taken 4-ever 2 write! I'll fill in the rest soon, but I wanted to post something for now.

PS. continue to pray for my health!!! I am now past due to hear from the specialist, which really means any day I'll find out if they will take me on. I KNOW this is the right thing for me, so now it's just up to finding the right specialist. this is usually the part where I ask for prayer for others, but I'm gonna be selfish and ask for me today! i am very sick with a bad cold and migraine! i'm miserable! =-(

religion... this otta b fun!

As a child and teen, I was very religious and active in the church. I have known and loved God for as long as I can remember. If you want to know the day I repeated back the "magic" ask-jesus-into-your-heart prayer; that was when I was 6 at an afternoon Bible club at Debbie Ritter's house, but I believe that my faith in Christ goes back further than that. My faith has always been my own, not because of my family (although that helped!) or any other pressures. I did buy into the ritual, the programs and doctrines and even the self-righteous judgment of church and religion. Before this goes any further, I want to say that I love the foundation my family and the conservative baptist church gave me. I just have a new out-look, plus an opinion or two on the corruption that can come with religion. Remember that it was the super righteous, religious leader who had Jesus crucified...


My faith has not changed... God is my God, and that's that.... if anything it is deeper, stronger.

BUT... I am not very "religious" these days. We rarely attend a church on sunday mornings, and we have yet to find a church nearby that we want to attend. This has very little to do with the churches themselves, rather it has more to do with my poor health, combined with laziness and some shyness. It is strange to walk into a new place of worship... what are the customs and norms? how should we dress? and why in the world do we have to meet in the morning???

I miss our home church. But even when we were meeting here, there was always something missing... sometimes it was music, other times it was simply that I felt like I was doing EVERYTHING and the others were being dragged along. It became too heavy, so we stopped meeting. I wish someone else would have taken the reigns and continued the work, but I see now that I am not skilled at making disciples among my peers. Give me anybody under the age of 18, and I'm a wiz... but I have never been good at teaching leadership to those my own age, whom may even follow my leading. Thinking about it now, it is really the Holy Spirit who causes someone to come forward to become a leader, to take that next step. Perhaps I am being both too hard on myself and presumptuous, to believe that I was the one really in charge of developing gifts and leadership in others. Either way, that ministry is gone now, and I wait for my next direction.

As I am feeling more human every day, I feel the need to do some research, some probing into where God would have us worship, minister, and receive the blessings and support of being in a family and a group of Christian friends who challenge and care for us. I am looking for that healthy group of real people and an authentic experience of worship and sharing.

To be honest, I have some issues with the basic structure of most modern christian churches. I despise "church speak." Why are the benches called pews? Why do people put such an emphasis on "the pulpit" and what is spoken when behind it? Don't they know that this structure was introduced from the pagan forms of worship to appease the locals into becoming "Christians?" And what happened to fun? Why can't adult church be more like youth group? Three generations have fallen away from the church, usually happening after they graduate from the youth group... some may stay if you have a good young singles group, but as soon as you stick us in those "pews," we want out! I'm see this trend continue, but the new forms of church and worship are developing and drawing in those who don't do "church." I hope to be part of that movement!

And what is with the power-tripping head pastors? The definition of a pastor is one who cares for and tends to the children of god. Like the True Shepherd, they are to follow Jesus' example of humility and love. I believe this is often different from the person who has the gift of preaching and/ or teaching. And both of those people may not have the gift of evangelism. These things are why we have a body of many people with many gifts, but in our modern churches, usually only the paid staff is in control and doing all the work. A healthy body uses all it's parts, and honors them as equals. The structure I have seen is that the pastor is in charge of the church, perhaps with an elders board (often women are not allowed on this board.)

As a youth pastor's kid I have seen behind the curtain; the great and powerful Oz is a fraud. I don't mean God; He is everything you can dream of and more... He's amazing and real as real can be! The wrench in the system is the guy standing up front, pretending his shit don't stink. They call people into their private chambers to condemn and judge as if this was what God had called them to do. This example is not specific to any one incident... I have stories from back when I was a kid, and I have stories from just this last year. Often, as is usually the case of any person who takes it upon himself to judge others, that person has even bigger problems and issues. Brings to mind a verse about a speck vs. a log in people's eyes... I have seen too much to respect someone's authority just because he has a title.

The Quakers (the North West Yearly Meeting of Evangelical Friends) that I associate with seem to have the best ideal behind their church organization... we have "released" ministers, meaning they are paid and released from having another job, so they can work at the church and other ministries full-time. They are also "recorded" ministers, but some recorded ministers are not paid, such as Tom and I. We were the pastors of our home church, but that was an unusual church, even for the Quakers. We were a group of misfits, who gathered at our house for dinner and worship sunday evenings. We called it family church, because the kids stayed together with the adults, doing worship activities that included the whole family.

The best example of a true, gifted pastor and teacher, is Mike Huber of West Hills Friends Church. He takes the time to know the people in the church. He encourages others to minister. The ideal philosophy is that we are all ministers called to serve in what ever capacity God has given us to share, and to use our gifts and talents to minister to each other. Mike has the attitude of humility and the heart to serve, even though he is one of the smartest, wisest people I have ever met. If anyone has reason to be full of himself, it would be Mike, who has his degree from Princeton, has been a pastor at the same church for almost 20 years - a church that he helped grow from almost nothing. And yet, he does not do anything without the approval of all of the people in the church. He is only one voice, equal to those around him. He is authentic and transparent, never pretending to be anything else. I adire him very much.

Also, the Quakers have a cool process for conducting church business meetings. First of all, they are still called meetings for worship. At WHF, they pray and have a time of silence before the meeting, to center down and be listening for God's leading. They don't vote; all must be in agreement, or it doesn't happen. Doesn't that sound crazy? Even more crazy, is that it works. Business gets passed, all people are satisfied and it is a process that honors everybody's rights and feelings.

So why haven't we found a church here in this area? Funny fact: when I attended George Fox in the '90's, Newberg had the most churches per capita (sp?) in the whole country (maybe even world, I'm not sure.) The one church we have visited is the church that Tom's parents and brother now attend. They had been founding members of West Hill, but they got old and moved to Newberg. That's what all good north west Quakers do... you live once here for college. Then you come back to live in the manor when you get old.

Sorry, I got distracted and didn't even answer the question that began that last paragraph. We don't really feel that we fit in at his parents' church, although the pastor there is also one of those few pastors I admire and enjoy knowing. It just hasn't clicked, so I know we need to search some more. We've had tons of offers and suggestions... which takes me back to the beginning of this ramble; I've been sick, we're busy and tired (or lazy,) and WHY? Why does it have to be in the morning... those of you with PM church meetings, give us your info! =-)

My request to you, dear reader, (I've always wanted to write that!) is that you pray for us, and continue to invite us to visit your churches, etc. For those of you who don't believe in prayer, or church, or even God... wow, you're still reading? Thank you for letting me ramble. What ever your beliefs and faith, you know that I adore you all! I love God first and most, but religion can go jump in a lake if it stands between you and me!

Have a great rest of the week... hopefully, I'll ramble again B4 halloween, but if I don't, then have a happy halloween, happy all saints day, happy day of the dead, happy harvest, and happy united nations day!

<3>

PS. I have a Dr apt 2day... pray that we move 4word w/ a new idea i have. And a big thank you to those of u who continue 2 pray 4 me! u r such a blessing 2 me! (haha, that sounded kinda "church-talk"ish... but i like the word blessing.) C ya!

Old friends are New friends

I LOVE my friends!

I'm embarrassed to say that my mom was on Face Book before I was. It took most of my immediate family to convince me to check it out about 2 years ago... now I have about 675 friends! And I love them... I've had people ask how I could know that many people and how I could keep up with that many people.

The second question is easy to answer: I don't... I wish I did, but my "friends" fluctuate randomly. I lose a friend and I have no idea who dumped me. When I notice I've lost someone, I get bummed. Even when I can't figure out who dropped out, it still makes me sad, because I really do love my FB friends.

My FB friends helped me out of a rough time in my life, when the WEB was my only social outlet. Most are old friends, but a few I have never even met. I happened to get on FB just before my 20th high school reunions, so that let me be involved in both reunions. I was especially excited to find my old Roosevelt buddies (sorry Springfield friends, I love you, too!) I moved abruptly in the middle of high school, during the summer between Sophomore and Junior years, and I hadn't had a chance to even say good bye to most of them. Now I get invites to go and do stuff with friends I haven't seen in 25 years. What a blast!

That leads back to the first question: how do I know so many people? Besides family, I think my oldest friends out here are from when my dad was in the Air force, around the time I was born. Our families kept in touch and used to visit each other on vacations. Then we lived in Redmond for a while (not sure if I still have anyone from there.) Then came Roseburg, where I went to Kindergarten and most of grade school. Also during this time, my parents worked with the church youth group for 7(ish) years, cycling through 2 full youth groups (in Roseburg, High School was only 10th, 11th, and 12th grades.) I recently added a bunch of the old Roseburg gang to my friends list while hunting down people to invite to my dad's retirement party. It's fun to reconnect with a group of people who had a huge impact on my life!

In 5th grade I attended three different schools, as my parents got settled in Portland. I know I have FB friends from all three schools, which is pretty cool. (let me just add here that I checked my FB just now and had a friend request from someone I knew in grade school!) Then I moved to George for middle school (before it was only a middle school.) Two years at Roosevelt High and two at Springfield. Plus a degree from George Fox, earned over a period of five years, and a semester at Lame Community College, add in 5 summer missions trips, jobs, and three more youth groups with my parents' churches after I had moved... I'm sure I'm leaving out a chunk of people.... oh yeah, all my ex-boyfriends! Just kidding... there aren't that many of them out here!

I have always had my close friends (you know who you are,) but was never exclusive to a clique or certain group. That can also explain the number of friends. When I was young, I remember my dad telling people that anyone I met became my friend... I think he was right. You have to go out of your way to make me not like you. And even then, it only takes a small gesture to be friends again.

So now we have this new way of staying in touch. It seems as though my old friends are really becoming my new friends, now as adults (well, some of you are adults.) I enjoy seeing the people you have become. You bring my past into my present, and I love you for it!

I love to hear from my friends, so feel free to comment or become a follower out here!
-jaymi-

ps... my buddy aaron is getting sicker, and as we prepare to say good bye to this amazing person, I want to remind you put feet to your words and donate what you can, to help him and his wife (who was recently laid off) make earthly ends meet as he meets with his end on this earth. His blog is linked at the bottom of this one... just click and read his story and press the "donate" button.

Off to my dad's retirement party...

I was 2-years-old when my parents became Christians. Before that, my dad would have been voted: "most likely to bring and drink all the beer," and my mom would have been voted: "most likely to steal joey's beer and then do something stupid on a dare!" You should have seen their classmates faces at their 10-year-reunion when Wild Joey was introduced as "Pastor Joe." What a hoot!

After his time in the army and a brief stop in Redmond, my dad moved our family back to their hometown, Roseburg, Oregon, where Steve Reischke (sp?) saw the words "suckers" stamped on my parents' foreheads. He snagged them to be youth leaders, and they loved it. That first youth group in Roseburg was an amazing group of fun kids, who loved jesus and loved spending time with each other. They also loved spending time with our family. Don't tell anybody, but that Roseburg group was my all-time favorite. Perhaps it was the people, or my age, or just that it wasn't a paid gig. It was fun to be a teenager in grade-school. When asked what we did that weekend, I'm guessing my third grade teacher wasn't expecting, "we porked out on free (kind of even stolen) pizza, talked about boys, then TPed Jack Hinkle's room!

After a few years of full-time volunteer work, my parents completely lost their minds, quit their jobs, sold the house, rented a house sight-unseen, and moved us up to Portland to enroll in Multanoma Bible school and take a job the required them both to work full time for a single part-time paying youth pastor job. Talk about a leap of faith!

Just a couple weeks ago, my dad retired from 35 years of youth work. I was incredibly proud to see all the lives he (and my mom) had touched and changed. I'll continue the story of their work on my next blog, but I wanted to at least get this first part out and say thank you to all of those who honored my parents at their party in Roseburg. Plus, if you missed that party, you'll have a second chance; my friend, Tanna and I are going to host a second party coming up next month here at my house. We will keep you posted on time and date.

Marilyn played a gorgeous arrangement of "Thank you" at the party. Although it was instrumental, most of us knew the lyrics. The main words say, "thank you for giving to the Lord; I am a life changed. Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am so glad you gave..."

long time no write...

Ever wish you were a kid again? I only envy my health and energy, plus I was pretty darn cute!

I've been sick again... the flu this time. It has passed thru the family, and has lingered for about 3 weeks for me. The others were down for a day or two. I have so many things that I want to do, and so many things that I should do... but as soon as I am up and going, I get knock back on my butt! Sometimes I feel completely defeated. Why get back up? Maybe taking a dive isn't such a bad idea. Of course this idea would work if I didn't have my children; they are the sources of my sanity and my insanity. I would never want my kids to think that they weren't enough for me to stick around. So onward I plod.

Someday (SOON) I hope to run and skip and jump and dance... until then, could I just sleep? Nope, I think it's just time to keep plodding along. And to keep looking for healing, where ever it may be.

To those of you who are awaiting hanging out with me, I want you to know that I would love to do that... now let's see when I CAN do that. Hopefully soon. I have friends to the south, and friends up north, I have friends in the east, and ever out west on the coast, not to mention the one right here. I love you all and hope that you will continue to give me grace as I try to pull together. There are quite a few of you that I owe, and I'm looking forward to feeling well enough to pay you back.

So for now my dreams are small... get all the dishes washed, make sure we all have clean underwear, and get people to the right places at the right time. The bigger things will come in time.

hugs and stuff, -jay-

PS. Joe's retirement party is this sunday morning down in roseburg, OR. I am super proud of the 35 years of ministry my parents have had, working with youth. let me know if u need more info.

the dream (s)

this is as jotted down after i woke up... it's now been 3 hours and i am still dizzy and half awake!

i didn't bother putting it into sentences and paragraphs. it would make too much sense that way:

evil buried beneath us and mexico... one or 2 bundles or seeds... after we dig it up, twice, the whole foundation of the US will slip...

missionary conference... split by jealousy... many of YOU were there...

missions theater for the locals or? looking back, they were animated bugs...

the bundles buried by saul (rename after being paul)

call riley to hold onto his faith

the first shift of plates wouldn't work, but he did pollute the pure waters

because of a double date, the feet were cut off from the plate holding india, then the rhino's nose was cut from the high mt on that plate and set on a high mountain in california, where we were going to meet for our date. (double date w/ debbie (who in real life is dead), missionary kid, missionary kid, and me... suggested by debbie... insisted on, butted in)

spliting the plates this way doubled the coverage between someplace south and the european, plate, which had been carved out, so she couldn't block the dark plate. Instead they fell in a circular pattern, leaving the the place in the center, where he had created a baby basket out of the nose and other parts, adding into it. he attempted to cut off faith, but my doorbell (in reality) woke me. i had smiled, because i didn't want him to see my fear, or because i didn't think he could cut it, or because by chiseling it off, he would have to put it in the baby basket.

beware, the ground under you will be changing... it was loosened when we searched for the bundle... during the wedding after the festival... that has been tangled in the roots... it could lead to evil, but only if we let it, which we didn't... but it was dangerous.

mass shopping centers with the attitude of seinfeld characters... getting lost... funny... waste of time...

Awake:
it was just suggested that all this may be just about me... rings true... can't tell right now. I'm dizzy and can't seem to wake up. probably will delete this when my mind returns.
-jay-

fallen off the blessings wagon...

So, a puking migraine and dying friend's wife being laid off today, had dragged me out of my happy reverie for a while. Life doesn't suck, but it sure ain't easy right now... a couple more marriages have bit the dust... and I think a bomb hit the inside of my house!

Then my hubby gathered me and our oldest two kids together to watch, "My Name is Bruce," and all is right again! Best movie since "Army of Darkness!" And just as quotable... warnings to my FB friends! I'm a simple gal with twisted taste!

I have been having bouts of agoraphobia, which means i feel too ugly to leave my house... it goes with the fun of bi-polar and getting old, etc. But enough of my low-self esteem ramblings.

I hope to get out and about next week, actually, starting this weekend. Date with Tom... and Rick tomorrow. Any SWF wanna go on a date with my single bro-in-law for his 38th b-day? He has a job and his own house... call me by saturday night (that's tomorrow!)

Making changes... I usually talk about them first, but I'd rather DO first this time, then TALK (that'll be a change!) So I'll keep ya posted.

A note on my blessings, I had this week and last to spend with my Sugar Boy, Taven. He was nick-named T.J. Sugar Boy when he was just a baby, by my dad. He's always had such a sweet nature... still does. In spite of head aches and other crap... I loved having the time with my Tay-Tay! The girls are having a blast at day camp. I need to take these last few days and make sure Taven is up on his school work (having home schooled the last part of last year.) Frankly, math is the only thing I need to bring him up to speed on, and he's such a wiz at that, I just need to make sure he has the basic building blocks down. I will be working on writing with both boys until all of us die or graduate!!! Place your bets...

I need to do about a million different things, so I'll probably go play mindless games and try to sleep like a normal person (I like to at least pretend.) Love ya just for taking the time to read this! Become a "follower", so I feel like people like me! -Jay-

PS... Aaron's wife lost her job today, so pray... and if you live in the eugene/ sprinfield area and know of a job, let me know and i'll pass it on. OR better yet, if you are independently wealthy, pass some money on to Aaron and family; his link is at the bottom of this blog page. Thanks!

my little blessings... to be continued

I don't know everything that happened before our daughters became our daughters. Several people feel that an injustice was done when the girls were put into the foster care system, and again when they were adopted by us. I am so glad I had nothing to do with that part of things. All I know is that my girls are exactly where they should be. Perhaps he used a corrupt agency or person to create the correct out-come. Even those who were wronged believe that this is where my girls should be. We have several mommies and daddies and brothers and sisters, but our immediate family knows who we are.

We are a unique unit put together by God. It is not a perfect unit... come on now, we are human. But I am sure that this is where we should be. And I wait for God's leading for the next step.

Meanwhile, I get to enjoy my 4 monsters.

Bubba is the leader of the pack. We are friends, which is rare for a child and a pretty strict mom, but we laugh at the same stupid stuff and have our in-side jokes. It was a bit disconcerting when about 2 years ago his brain fell out! Most of you who have a young teen will know exactly what I am talking about. He reverted back to obnoxious childhood behaviors; I don't remember having to answer so many "why" questions, even when he was a toddler he wasn't this clueless! Then, while giving the explanation, you look up to see the vast wilderness behind his blank stare. Hello! is anybody there????

But I still adore him and have fun with my buddy. He's still not too cool to hug me in public, and he often tells me that i look pretty or that my new hair color (that nobody else noticed) looks good on me. He comes to me with questions most kids would be embarrassed even to ask their peers. I hope it stays this way. Before you get me wrong, Bubba is NOT a mama's boy. He takes care of his own battles and has many friends and girlfriends. It's just that he has maintained a positive relationship with me (on Tom, too.)

sorry kids... migraine calls... gotta rest... more later...
-jay-

back again... still counting those blessings

Hopefully this missive will be comprehensible, as I am running here and there between sentences. Last week was full of fun stuff, but also very active stuff, so after driving my son down to my uncle's house (to go on a back packing trip to which he ended up not going due to my bro's health.)
on Wednesday, I got home and to my hubby, "I need to just lie down for a minute." I woke up today at noon! I was in and out most of that time, so it wasn't solid sleep, but i didn't really leave my bed.) Thankfully Tom was able to get the girls to and from day camp, and Taven has become a huge help.

Back to my blessings...
My hubby, Tom:

I am so thankful for my cute computer nerd! I say that with pride, cuz it's the nerds who really rule the world, now! I am proud of how smart my guy is! I always knew he was smart, but he recently did some testing, and he is (if i remember correctly) 94th percentile! If you look at the bell curve of IQ's, they drop off significantly around 90, so he is in an elite group! Am I bragging? Probably... but I complain enough about him that i think this balances things out!

God has taught him patience the last few years. How does the saying go? "If mama ain't happy, then ain't nobody's happy." At least in our house, this has been true. Tom has held up under tremendous pressure, and I am so thankful for him! I hope, as I get well, i can take a lot of the pressure off of him.

(break)

Well Dingo Dog!!!! I can't find the new checks, and we're out of the old checks... and i have bills to pay! this is the first month of my financial takeover, and i can't even find the freaking checks!
Okay, i feel better now.

(break)

I'll talk about Tom more in another post. Now I want to mention Taven. He is struggling with ADHD and the emotional problems that come with it, as well as pre-adolescent hormones. God is really working on his heart. My prayer is that he is not just stuffing his feelings down and needs a safe place to let them out. In spite of all this, he helped me clean the Fridge-side of the kitchen. We even bleached the grout and sealed. He was a huge help.

Today, somebody made a peanut butter sandwich on the counter he had just clean; when he saw the mess, he almost cried. I told him it would be just a quick wipe and it would be okay, but I used it as a teaching moment, helping him feel empathy for others (me in this case.) It was cool to see the light turn on in his brain when he got it. He's also our random hugger! I love it... can't say his brother and sisters would agree (it can be kind of annoying.)

(YAY! I found the checks!)

I have so much more to tell about last week end, but as usual, my time is up.

luvs 2 ya, -jay-

PS. I do want to say a big thank you to jeff and heff for keeping Bubba for a week and a half. I love that my brother and sister take the time to be with my kids! He learned it from my uncle Les! I really do love my extended family!

my blessings... part one.

Pain and sickness can over-shadow everything else in life. Tonight I aspire to reflect upon the good things in my life; they more than out-number the bad!

The people in my life are the best of the best. Unfortunately, I have recently started to obsess about their faults. I am guilty of gossip and spreading discontentment in my own family, and I now vow to move forward into the positive light. I shall strive to let only complements and constructive words leave my mouth. I will speak the truth in love, and let my mind dwell on what I love about the people God has sent into my life. Each one is a gift.

Love begins with myself and God. Before I can focus on the good in others and truly love them, i need to find God's gifts in me. The Bible tells us to love others as we love ourselves; we cannot give what we don't have. Love begins in me, which wasn't really a problem until recently.

Most people can't point to the exact time they began having an eating disorder. I can. It was while shopping for clothes, just before 8th grade. Keep in mind, at that time nobody really knew about or discussed this problem. Swim suits get us every time! I couldn't fit into the kids' sized suits, and i had no boobs to fill out the adult suits. So I began to starve myself, occasionally binge, then feel so bad I would eat even less. Early in high school I was so thrilled when my weight dropped to 94 lbs. Oops, there I go again: reflecting on the negative. I'll just speed it up here.

One of my greatest fears is to be fat. I have recently weighed one hundred pounds over that weight I reached in High School. No matter how you put it, that is fat. Some of you might wonder what the big deal is; I can only say that it affects my entire perspective on who and what I am.

On to the positive... I have this crazy idea for an exercise program, so I start taping it next week. Wouldn't you like to see a fat person doing the exercises, and then see her progress and the weight fall off. I think it would be inspirational to those chubs like me to start at that same place, and help them fall into a hot new body, too! Included will be short tips to eating and health, etc. I know how to get there, i just have to DO it. It will also be part of my son's home schooling projects, covering videography, health, and PE. and it will be a great example for all of my kids. Being diligent can get you want you want, plus how to have a healthy body and a healthy body image.

I'm asking you to keep me accountable for this project... ask me how it's going... I dare you to challenge me!

On to counting my blessings, and appreciating them. The first one is my husband. We got together because our personality types were so opposite, our business professor suggested we would make a good team, provided that we appreciate and utilize the other person's strengths and weaknesses. That professor didn't know how true that would be... for the rest of our lives.

... I have so much more to say, but this insomniac is feeling sleepy! I gotta take advantage when I can, so this is a "to be continued...."

if i'm not quite myself, who am i?

Do you ever feel as if aren't quite yourself? As if you're just a click away from who you usually are? That's been me lately. I'm not a split personality... I almost wish I were, then perhaps she could take on half of my burdens, or at least be interesting company. Instead I am stuck in limbo.

The beginning of the week was great, full of plans! My daughter, Arianna, turned 6 on wednesday. I was making plans to see all sides of families. I started feeling just a bit"off" on tuesday, so i shifted a few things around. On wednesday we ran local errands, with fun, special treats at every stop. We only made it through half of my list before I started to feel groggy. The drive home kind of scared me, because I felt sleepy. I have never even been close to falling asleep at the wheel, so this feeling really alarmed me. When I arrived home, I began to not make sense. Tom thinks I may have accidentally taken a double dose of my medicine. I'm not sure.

Lately, if I over-do things, my mind and body shut down. I wonder if this was not the case, or perhaps a combination of this and the medication. Whatever the cause, I fell asleep Wednesday evening and didn't really wake up until this afternoon. And I woke up not feeling like myself.

I can also blame my bi-polar for this duplicity in my nature. I have always been quite adept at hiding the swings in my personality, I am an actor, in case any of you forgot. One of my strongest defences lately has been to simply go into hiding. If you feel that I am dodging your calls or avoiding getting together, it is probably just that I am not feeling 100% "jaymi-ish."

When I feel this way, I seem to say the wrong things; nobody seems to "get" me. I would rather say nothing than to say the wrong thing. Of course, with my brain moving at half speed, I also forget promises made and break dates planned. I ask my friends and family to be patient with me. Please don't take offense at what I say or do, or worse, what I don't do. The Bible describes one attribute of love as seeing and hoping for the best, as well as having patience. I pray that you will show me love in these ways.

Please continue to pray for me... that I may return to myself. I'm not such a bad person when I'm all here. =-)

-jay-

PS. please pray for the many people I have let down this week. I hope that I can make it up to them... especially for Arianna's other mommies, who were looking forward to seeing her this week, and it didn't happen! In trying to make a rough time better, I actually made it worse!

Also, the Kendall Family reunion is happening tomorrow (or technically, today.) This is my husband's mom's mom's family. Tom's grandmother passed away a few years ago. I believe she had 8 siblings, the Kendall kids. When I married into the family, at least 5 or 6 of them were still around. I just found out that the last one, Uncle Toad (I'm sure he has a real name, but I'll be darned if anyone knows it) passed away last saturday. It will be a good time with extended family, but it will be hard without uncle Toad. Also, Tom's mother's mental health is fading. I think tomorrow will be bitter sweet. Please pray for us as a family, but also, please pray for my mother-in-law's clarity. I would love for her to have this as a "good" day. Her name is Dr. Meredith Fieldhouse, and as far as mother-in-laws go, I doubt I could have had any better! I love her, and the Kendalls, all very much.

He who began a good work in you...

Faith without works is dead.
Works without faith are useless.

A good man (or woman) is like at strong tree, rooted in faith, established in truth, and fed by love.
He produces peace and kindness and joy and loyalty and justice.
Problems and trials are like storms and disasters that cannot kill him; instead they make him stronger.
Knowledge, wisdom and self control defend him from all kinds of dangers and tragedies.
In moderation he lives out his freedom.
Over time he learns patience, which leads to a stress-free existence.
Treating others with gentleness and respect earns him friends where ever he goes.
He makes mistakes and humbly asks for, and accepts, forgiveness.
He works hard and strives for excellence in every endeavor.
Religion is secondary to a life of service to the poor and words and deeds of encouragement to the discouraged and displaced. He seeks righteousness, but never thrusts his beliefs on others. Yet he is a testimony of his salvation by his simple words and strong actions.

I have hope that I may emulate these qualities... I am first to admit how very far away I am from this ideal. It's all about choice. I can't change the past or the crazy twists in life. I can't even change how I feel, but in every action and reaction, I have a choice. I am finding that being happy with my life comes down to my choices. What ever happens, the responsibility for myself and how I behave is purely mine.

So now I take hold of myself and push for positive changes, and I am thankful for any blessings and help along the way. I must have done somethings right, because I am surrounded by good people and a close family. Tom and I never fell in love; it simply happened, and when we realized it, we both chose to be bound together for life. Every day I choose to love him, and to love and take care of our children. Occasionally this choice is hard to make, but I grit my teeth and strive to move in the right direction. I'm sure if you ask my family, they will tell you I am not always successful, but we try.

We can't control what others do or say, but we have the power to choose to walk in Jesus' footsteps... or at least try to. Kindness to your enemies is like heaping burning coals upon their heads (and it confuses the puzookers out of them!). In the long run, the high road always wins. The best revenge is to have to great life, and that is all connected to choices we make.



I choose to change my life today, and tomorrow I will need to make that same choice again and again. Watch out world, here I come! I can't loose if I choose... (and with a little help from above, now that I love!)

I choose to love you all! Choose to have a great day!

-jay-

PS. Wednesday is Nana's b-day! And the day after is Lily's, which is why we call them the "twin cousins." I have been sick (off and on) so much that we couldn't have a big party planned, but we are trying to get all the cousins together to celebrate with a fairy princess party! First prayer request is that we can work out schedules, so all the cousins can make it. We haven't done very much all together lately, and I feel like we are losing that close family connection.

Second request is for Nana's birth-mom, who is a very sweet person, and who has become family to me. She gets very sad and lonely on this day. Please pray for comfort and peace for Mommy Seaira. Thank you!