mini post (a sad little bitchy post!)

just a little cry for sympathy... or a crazy rant. u decide. or better yet, if u get your feelings hurt often, don't read this.

i'm turning 40 this month (i'm too depressed to even call it 39th, blah blah blah.) i can't have people over to my shit-trap i call a house right now! and i can't commit to being anywhere, so no pretense of a party... i'm not asking for one; just bitching! i never know how i'm gonna feel..... so planning anything would be a joke!

we get to go to eagle crest for thanksgiving with family. i think i'll make that, but i'll probably get in trouble for being sick and no fun. i'm not the only person who is sick and tired of me being sick and tired. i can hardly handle it myself, how can i ask others to? my b-day is that sunday... we will spend it driving home. (if u plan to rob us, good effing luck!)

my FB friends have helped me thru this hard time. i would be back in the loony bin if it weren't for these on-line life lines. i think i would be dead if it weren't for my children... i never want them to feel that they weren't worth sticking around for. even if i think someone else would be better for them, i know that they need ME for some reason.

i used to be an awesome mom... i think i spent more time at the schools than most of the staff. i coached soccer (these days i can't even get there to watch half of the time!) now alex and taven take care of me! i feel like i've let them down so much!

the girls have come a long way, but their development, especially haley's, stalled when i started to get really sick. for some reason, this is where they are supposed to be. i have so many ideals that i am not living up to. i am so disappointed. at least 2 psych people have told me that they can't get better until i do. my own dr said i should be up with my kids, "unless you are on the operating table." not joking; she let me know all the problems my family is having is due to me. i wonder why i haven't been back to see her...

yet, who am i to complain? i have people in my life dying of cancer, dealing with real mental problems like PTSD (ps... thank you to our vets, today and every day!) why can't i just buck up and get better? i know people who suffer from migraines who aren't down for weeks, running to the ER, have actual JOBS! (important person unnamed) thinks chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia (sp?) are just made up stuff... i'm sure she's not the only one. i think they're code words for "the dr have effing idea what is wrong with you!" i also know i have them both and they suck. pretty sure she doesn't believe in migraines, bi-polar, medication, or being sick! it's not allowed!

if i would just eat healthier and get some exercise, maybe i would get well! but at this point, all that feels good is eating, what ever sounds good and will stay down. one of my biggest personal fears is to be fat... i passed fat last year! i am obese!!! my wii tells me so every time i try to exercise on it! what adult lets the wii make her cry?

i see a specialist next month... i had hoped this would be my answer, but now i'm just thinking that i'll be adding "poking myself with a needle every day, may twice a day" to the list of crap that fills my life. it took my years and 7 "specialists" to get a rotting (literally) uterus, and an exploding ovary so full of scar tissue, they had to scrape it off of my bladder and other organs, out of me. did it help? not really...

i don't need stomach stapling... i hardly eat. i'm cold and hot... when was the last time i was comfortable? can't remember. i can't get my house clean... i never finish a project.

that reminds me... since i was little, i have made and purchased special gifts for my whole family... extended, all. i have spent my b-day money (when i was a kid) every year to get things for others. it's the best part of xmas. i was TOLD this year that we were doing homemade gifts and fewer of them... don't buy a bunch of crap. a few years ago, my extended family told me that they only wanted to get gifts for their immediate family.... not everybody like we've done for over 40 years. Don't tell me who the hell i can and cannot give gifts to! how DARE you tell me how to give my gifts! this year i can hardly function, but i've been told to make stuff, not to purchase gifts... SCREW THEM! i'm staying home! wait, i know what i'll MAKE them (just remind me not to flush!)

now i'm sure i have pissed off most of my remaining support system, but who cares! i'm here alone with no help anyway, so WHO CARES????

tomorrow i may erase this, not sure... but for now i am tired and angry and in pain and i just need to let it out! this is not a request for help... just a rant. i'll be back to "normal" soon.

how's that for honest?
-jay-

ps... pray, if u think it will help.