A while back I asked my doctor what dosage I would go to when I was ready to be done and ween off the meds. The first thing I was reminded of was that what I now take is the step-down medication the pain specialists use to ween people off of the real pain medications. And I was already on the lowest dosage.
So I now bite the pills in half, and then as the month passes, I bite those halves in half, etc. It's nice to know I have what I need if I get a nasty migraine, and that they will work better due to the fact that my body is no longer used to large (or even medium) doses of the pain blockers.
There are some who have for many years behaved as though I have been a drug addict. Either overtly, or by your actions, you actually exasterbated any underlying self-esteem issues that would cause me to seek self-medication. This has not been helpful, but I am getting better in spite of those, often well-meaning, people. Even at my worst, I am confident that my mental abilities and judgements have been above average. I know this smacks of vanity or self-delusion, but it's important that I stand up for myself and emphatically say to those who have judged without knowing the truth, that they have been very wrong.
If still in doubt, I encourage you to look up information on addicts. I have been on pain medication for over 8 years. After that amount of time, a true addict, looking for a high, would need much harder medications in huge doses to achieve any change in mood or feeling. I have actively sought doctors who work to solve my problems with the minimum medications possible, decreasing those meds, as we work toward wellness. I am on the cusp of a new stage, and I could use all the support I can get.
True support will include trust and encouragement. Sometimes it's the things not said that speak the loudest. What is craziest is to see people who have gone through similar situations treat someone else (or me) the exact way they had been treated and hurt. Right now, very few people make sense to me. I must have a very simple take on life and people. What happened to treat others the way you would like to be treated? Does nobody really believe in speaking the truth in love and not judging? I'm always amused by those who judge people for judging other people.
I encourage us all to take anything said at face-value, assumed to be sent with the best intentions. I
I am still fragile... probably not in the ways most who think they know me would suggest. I am vulnerable to feeling left out, not needed. It hurts to be told I can't do something, or have it assumed that I will not be able to do what I have said I would do. On my part, I am working to only promise to do what I know I can do. I am learning to set my own limits.
Pride is a funny word; it is both good and bad. Pride goes before a fall, and yet I am proud of the work I have done with my family, my art, saving the core of who I am through physical and emotional pains and obstacles. Does it help that I credit God with giving me the background, ability, and strength to do what I do. I am used to being seen as a very public, performance oriented leader. What I have experienced lately has put me in the back ground, possibly even in a questionable light, rather than the bright spotlight. I guess I still feel the need to have it known that I am doing well... in weakness, I am strong.
Let me help you. Bring me back to the place I am most comfortable. I am not motivated by negative, in your face, aggressiveness. Sometimes I succeed in spite of this, but I flourish when surrounded my high expectations, positive encouragement, and faith. Sometimes I wish I did not need people... life would be so simple, but I care about you, honestly and fully. Therefore, our relationship is important to me. I hope it is to you as well.
Well, this has been more self-involved than usual... thnx for bearing with me.
xo!
-jay-
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