manners

My kids are by no means little angels (unless you count Hell's Angels,) but I am appalled at the lack of manners in other children.  I hang out with a bunch of teens, and they are not the ones I am talking about (mostly.)  Surprisingly, the younger kids are the ones who lack basic civilities and decorum.

I have chosen to raise my kids in a rather unconventional way, but respect and manners have always been very important to us.  I was on vacation by myself, with all four of my children.  We went to Denny's for breakfast, but when I went to pay, the cashier said that the elderly couple paid our check.  She told us that they were impressed with how well-behaved and polite the kids were.

If you stop and look, you will notice both my sons hold the door for everybody, but especially ladies and elders.  If a child is hurt or lost, Alex is the first to take action and help.  Haley and Arianna are the first to step up and stick up for kids who are being bullied.  And TJ is just a sugar boy.  =-) 

I know the poor German teacher at nhs would be surprised by this (for some reason, that class brings out the beasts in them.) But, for the most part, the Fieldhouse kids have good manners and respect.  To quote my good friend, Nanana, I have the most polite disobedient children she's ever met.  Yes, we all struggle with the obedience piece.  Truth and spirit can be misconstrued as being naughty and willful in today's schools.

We had a problem with the kids across the way.  My guys were over to play, but they came back fighting back tears.  One of the kids tattled to his dad (a typical cop, sorry peace keepers, but there is a stereo type.)  The dad took it upon himself to tell my sons, who were not on his property, that they were not welcome there and that they were "the worst kids in the neighborhood."  As you can imagine I was livid, but I stopped and asked the boys what happened.  There is a child older than Taven, who is partially hearing impared and lives in that area.  He kept throwing a ball and knocking Taven down.  Alex called out to him, loud enough so the boy could hear, "leave my bother alone and stop being an idiot!"  He explained that he was just treating the kids like he would any other kids. Just because he is hard of hearing doesn't give him the right to bully a smaller kid.

I didn't go directly to the Jerk-off who yelled at the boys.  It was more import that I talk to the parents of the kid who threw the ball.  They had heard that Alex called their child, "stupid def kid," and had been surprised, because Alex and Taven were the few kids in the neighborhood who included their son and treated him like a "normal" kid.  When they heard what really happened, they thanked Alex for treating their son like any other kid, and thanked me for wanting to make sure they knew what happened.  Their son didn't know what had happened to my guys, but he backed up their version of the story when he understood what had happened.

Let me interject here that I don't encourage my sons to call anyone an idiot, but there are worse things in life, like an adult man yelling at children he doesn't know after his tattle-tale kid exaggerates something that is none of his business anyway. (sorry had to vent.)

I did politely explain to the other neighbor his mistake.  I didn't expect nor get an apology.  I assured him that our kids would stay in our yard (more than an acre compared to his postage stamp,) and would invite their friends over to play and not bother him.  Let's just say, the def kid swam in our pool, slid down our water slide, and zipped on our zip-line.  Tattle-tale got to watch from across the street.

This story sounds vindictive, and telling does kind of make me smile in that bad way.... But my main point was that the "good" kid at first glance ended up being the one who lacked basic compassion and understanding of the situation.  He sought his own "goodness" (having such a wonderful parental figure) by seeking "bad" in somebody else.  Unfortunately, our schools reward tattling.  That is not how I have raised my kids, which means there is a target on their backs, because they will not nark out another kid just to get themselves out of trouble.

On a happier note, we have cultivated a better relationship with all families involved.  I could even go so far as to say we are friends.  Good etiquette requires forgiveness and civility, which is how we can teach our kids to be at peace with everyone possible.

One controversial parenting device we use is that there are no bad words, body parts, etc.  In fifth grade, Alex was working very hard to have a good year.  Within the first month, he was given a referral for making colorful bracelets and giving them to his friends.  What was wrong with that?  To be honest, I'm still not clear, but he got the referral because a kid didn't get one and tattled.  Another example is a girl, who was a family friend, was bothering and bothering Alex until he said, "stop being such a bitch."  This one incident was marked as "habitual cursing."  When I heard what happened, the first thing I wondered  is if she got a referral for being one.?  My point is that I have heard people say the most vile and vicious things without using a single "bad" word.  I know a very on-fire christian in a christian band who was banned from local festivals because he said, "let kick ass for Christ!"

Admittedly, he could have used more appropriate language, but I hope my kids are as excited about Jesus that they blurt out strong wording.  I hope they're not the ones sitting in the "pew" every Sunday, taking down notes on who is doing what wrong, and when the pastor says something wrong.  That black-balled musician is the founder of the huge alternative Christian Rock festival, Tomfest, a ministry that has been changing lives for almost 20 years!  I believe he would also be the first one to run into a burning building to save someone.  Covered in tats, this man has reach more people that most "church ladies."  That is the basis of manners.

We follow the code of conduct referred to as manners, so we can live in harmony.  When using manners, we are employing the skill, "eyes for others."  If each of us looks out only for our own best interest, then you have one person looking out for you.  If we all look out for the needs of everybody else before themselves, then you have billions of people wanting the best for you.  I choose option B.

 Basic common manners are important to creating good adults and therefore a functional society.  This doesn't come from a fake, Eddie Haskle, "Hello Mr. and Mrs. Clever," but it is a deeper sense of doing the right thing with honesty and respect. 

Hopefully, my four monsters will prove me right in about 10 to 20 years.  =-)

-jay-